Lost…literally

Lost. So my sister brought the entire boxset and I've pretty much been watching it the last few days and I'm currently finished Season 3 and sorry but...WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON!? And I don't mean that in a good confused way either.

Okay maybe I'll need to watch the rest of it to gain a better understanding of it but for now I stand by my belief that Season 3 is just awful and eurgh...it's gone from being about people who crash on an island trying to survive and that. Sure throw in a polar bear or two to generate more mystery. Oh and mysterious cursed numbers that pop up everywhere? Let's have that too. People known as The Others? Ooh I'm curious? A massive missing statue with only a foot remaining and that foot has only four toes? What? Pregnant women who die if they conceive on the island? Walt mysteriously appear to people in illusions? Okay. I've had enough of this shit. You are not answering any of the questions really and the show is still persisting with this...this...urgh...man, the first few seasons were all I ever needed to watch in regards to Lost.

Protect me from the cold

The weather is ridiculously cold and which makes mornings such a chore...okay, even more of a chore then. I'll be glad when this season is over because then I can warm up and look forward to not worrying about whether if I step out of the house wondering if I'm going to get frostbite or hypothermia.

I suppose I don't make things easier for myself what with the choice of jackets and coats I wear because mentally I'm insistent that it's not cold enough to justify wearing it and that I'll warm up on the tubes and buses and that I'll spend more of my time indoors and just being hot in the winter jacket I have but I suppose sooner or later I'm going to have to just put it on and I may as well start that now.

Distance

It's difficult really, I really have no clue anymore about certain stuff. It's annoying because I miss you and miss chatting to you and can't help the feeling that you resent me or something even though I know it isn't true (hopefully).

I don't know what it is you think of me but I just feel really bad how I've been with you and stuff and what makes me feel even worse is that I'm bad with things like that. Without prodding from the other person I will neglect them, not because I don't care or anything like that but because I'm too in love with myself. I'm too into myself and not just that I keep myself to myself a lot.

I have plenty of friends that I haven't spoke to in a long time but it's really because I haven't seen them in a while. I could text or email them or whatever but that doesn't have the same feel as actually being there in person and I think that's what's happened here, that I'm...I dunno incapable of really making that effort of really keeping up but just know it's not intentional or anything like that and that I'm really just, I don't know...sorry I guess.

A slippery slope

Get me down, it's like things are conspiring to do just that or is just my imagination? Who knows, but anyway...must remain positive and all that.

So I was thinking at work at how did I end up here doing this...in a job where I deal with people when lets face it, humans aren't very high up on my "things I like" list but alas here I am dealing with them.

I guess when you deal with customers or about nearly anything in life the negative experiences tend to stick out more than the positive ones but there's something that bugs me right now and that is that in relation to what I mentioned earlier and that is that I can feel myself slipping...

I tell you what though, I reeeeeeally am not looking forward to life when I get older...assuming I live that long.

My book of rhymes

Okay here we go. So I'm listening to some Blueprint 3 outtakes and then I thought about the time I was just writing songs and then I went over to check some of them and then I was reminded of why I never really finish it, simply because I will look at a line or something while I'm in a different mindset that I originally thought was pretty good and then I think "What. The. Fuck. Was. That". I never know how to feel about some lines, whether to think "ohh that was pretty good to me" or "hmm, I don't like that line now". I can't completely reject them as that was my mindset at the time but ahh well. Maybe I should get back into it and actually really put thought into it but I know that's never really going to happen heh.

Oh really?

Memo to self: Must keep updating this

Lurking…

First off, let me just say that I think you may overthink things just a little too much, however do not take it as a bad thing as being paranoid and fearful keeps you on your toes and stops you from getting too comfortable. However...there really is no room for error, you know what must be done, you really do have to give it your all.
But...what can I do? What exactly is my perspective and what do I bring? What makes me unique? You know how it is...But I think the rewards and benefits blinded me too much and temporarily prevented me from seeing...well...IT.

Yeah, you can be a force even as a background player you can be a force, all that is needed is for you to make the right moves, is to think, think and think. Take your time, do not rush or force it, it will happen and to a level that you are comfortable with too.
Just keep doing what you do and go above and beyond.

The Rivalry

I've been playing Pro Clubs with Kalid recently and as fun as it is I can't help feel the need to be better than him (nothing personal) at everything football related because I love football that much that anyone slightly or who believes themselves to be equal in level to me I have to go out of my way to prove them wrong and that no, I am and always will be better than you.

So anyway even on Fifa on Head to Head Seasons I made sure that I was in a higher division and that my Virtual Pro was better because that's just me, competitive when I want to be. Hahaha oh boy...I suppose some might see that as being pathetic but you know what, I don't care at all hahahaha.

Okay so onto actual football...Eamon...urgh fuck that, I'm not going to let him be better at me at that. It's not even that I'm worried about competition or whatnot or that I'm worried that my throne would be usurped because let's face it, a presidential run would be boring without a couple of assassination attempts to go with it.

In fact that's the only reason I'm at this point, because when you're the best without any challenge...you start to become a little lax, there's no excitement in being undisputed number one, sure the praise is nice and all but personally I need that challenge and it's all about the journey for me.

So yeah I guess at the moment Eamon is better than me but he has the advantage of being fitter and that's is all. I feel...no, I KNOW for a fact that if objectively we were both playing at our peak with nothing holding us back then I would be the victor and he would know it.

So what's the plan now Jason?

To become the best player if only amongst the people I know and oh ho ho believe me, it's going to happen. I really do have to thank Nike for that, ever since playing that 5 a side tournament I realise how good I used to be and how far I've fallen...or at least how far I allowed myself to do so...hahaha...oh my gosh, I am so so pumped up for this, two months, nothing but solid workout and practise for two months and I'll gauge my level then but believe me if I get to optimum strength, weight and shape then I will in fact be the greatest.

What's funny is I don't even need to be the fastest or strongest or any of that business because that is not my game at all.

My game involves trickery, lies and deceit...huh...in other situations maybe I shouldn't be so proud to say that but in this case I actually am proud to say that...my game doesn't revolve around me being faster than the defender or being stronger than the defender or any of that business because most of the times that means nothing if they have the drop on you and they have the better position.

I liken it to attacking a fortress on a mountain. It doesn't matter how well trained or how much fitter or stronger your army is, you will always be at a disadvantage. It's the same with football, you may have the ball but it is so much easier (still hard, not trying to put down defending) to dispossess someone than it is for them to get past you in a favourable position.

Anyway like I said, my game involves trickery via use of my skills and bag of tricks like the elastico, stepovers, fake rabonas and my personal favourite, the scoop turn all of which I rarely use these days.

The lies involved in my game basically involves convincing the defender that they are better than me, that they are faster or stronger or whatnot simply so that they let their guard down and that's it when I kick them in the metaphorical crotch and gut punch them in the metaphorical kidney and then proceed to laugh while I do it...gah I love being a jerk.

And finally the deceit which involves me selling them a whole bunch of goodies which are in fact totally bogus...haha oh my goodness, the thrill of selling a defender a dummy and then just saying bye when you blitz past them while they are wrong-footed, that just sends chills down my spine and gives me goosebumps.

There is nothing quite honestly like dropping your shoulder one way and convincing them that the ball is within their reach (though that's more of a lie) and that they can just stick a leg out to nip that ball away from me but you know something? You just got nutmegged, thank you and goodnight.

The Immortals

Immortality, take it or leave it? The obvious answer is no, who wants to live forever? Not being able to die isn't a good thing and I somewhat agree. I mean I'm not even afraid of death but at the same time that's not to say I welcome it at all but the only time I would take an immortality deal is if I had the option of dying whenever I wanted because living forever even past the demise of the earth be it by humans or from the sun and then what? You wander around doing what exactly? Progress comes to a stand still so there's nothing new to do and that would mean no excitement or anything like that.

Anyway I often wonder about death and I suppose what frightens me the most is the thought of not being able to do everything I wanted to do before I die and the fact that there is so much to do and see but inevitably there is so little time to do it in.

But alas, I shouldn't be thinking of things like that now as it makes me depressed and I've had enough depression during the winter to last me a lifetime so I try not to think about it.

Illusions

Now work has been very interesting, it...seems to just get better and better, I'm starting to understand more and more about it and the people I work with are seriously an amazing group of people.

Especially the people I work with on the first floor, I've never seen such a good bunch of people to work with and to be honest I feel I need to step my game up, not because I feel left behind or that I'm behind but because I'm actually inspired to achieve more.

I don't know whether that's a sad thing that so far I've not really felt that way in any other group I've been with...although...thinking about it...yeah that's another post. Anyway...

So yeah, amazing bunch of people and it worries me especially people say I'm "nice", "helpful" and "generous"...hmm maybe worry is the wrong word here, least of all it amuses me as I know people that know me to be the complete opposite but ah well what can I do except be myself and if people take it one way and others take it another then ah well...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED AT ALL!

My goals were a lot better than described…ehh fuck it. I don’t care…it’s to be expected.

The return of the soundproof rooms

Well then, it's been a while for a lot of things and another time of serious reflection, firstly about this time of the year and how this is usually the point of the year where something bad happens and it pretty much sums up the whole year and it makes the winter months very very unpleasant but so far I've avoided anything major like that but alas I suppose I should count the fact that my right hearing aid is now gone...and it worries me, the silence doesn't bother me at all, now that I think about it, if I wanted to live the rest of my life in total silence I'd be okay with that but the thing is with this mishap is that it's always been a choice for me. To have sound or not, it's always been a choice for me.

I guess that's the good thing about having hearing like mine is that I can choose whether to hear what the world has to say or not.

But anyway, that was the first issue, the second issue is work which I'll put it up for tomorrow or something.

Credit where it’s due

I feel.....that I'm never going to get the props I deserve...I could play out of my skin and yet someone else will get more credit.

Ha...I never thought I'd get annoyed with being Mr Reliable but there you have it, anything my teammates can do, I can do just as good if not better when it comes to technical things and eurgh...I dunno, maybe, maybe I am getting the praise now I think about it but I come across as someone who if you tell me I will not be fussed or something I don't know...

Anyway I guess I don't really respond the way people expect me to but you know what? I don't care, I'm not going to bend over backwards to please you...if I'm happy with myself then I'm happy, I feel I have come a long way from a year ago but still not where I would like to be just yet.

James did bring up a good point about me not doing as many tricks as I used to do in Mary Hare and I thought "fuck, he's right" but I know exactly why that is...I had to cut them out of my game when THAT injury happened as it affected my knee if I moved it in a certain way. So then I changed my play and became about passing and playmaking as opposed to taking my man on.

Anyway, now that my knee is better I can actually go back to that way but first it requires me to shed a bit of weight simply to make me a lot more agile and to make it easier for sudden changes of direction which a lot of my tricks utilise. I've been working on that and I'm happy with how it's gone so far however there's still work to be done and I can't help but grin at how excited I am at this...it's almost been a year since that operation and look at where I'm at and where I'm going.

Also just as a side note and a reminder...I have an addictive personality so don't even think about trying certain stuff. The things you're addicted to now is bad enough...(though I could argue that I'm not actually dependant on it but whatever)

The Samba Magician journey

I had a dream last night…although technically it should be referred to as this morning but whatever. Anyway, I was coming back from a knee injury I had and was a substitute for a football game for my school team and when I did get on the pitch, me a Philip proceed to play dazzling one touch football and quite simply destroyed the other team even though I only came on for 5 minutes but yeah…

So yeah, I got to thinking about my current situation and how I can get back to the Jason that I used to be, with terror and frightening the other team. I mean, I still do now but I just don’t feel right, like I’m not at the best of my ability.

Maybe it’s just I don’t feel fit enough or that I feel bogged down by something but I just really need to sort that out and get back to it. Maybe a schedule and routine which lets me get back into it all would help? Though it’s a bit hard when you have to work on the only days you get to play football. Ahh well, given the choice between the work I do and football, money wins out every time and hey I love the job anyway so it’s not as it’s bad or anything. The only way it’d get better is if they actually paid me to play football hahah.

At least I haven’t forgotten

Hmm, should get back to updating this thing soonish, plenty to say really…

Shoes, shoes and more shoes

Good grief! This time 3 years ago I only owned one pair of shoes to my name especially as I was not bothered by shoes especially because they cost a bit and I would scuff them up a lot but now...at the time of writing this I have (in order of receiving them) Nike5 Bomba Finale with Samba Magician 10 stitched into them...oh how my knees crumble at the thought of them...anyhoo, to continue the list, Nike5 Streetgato, Nike Air Max+ 2011, Nike Lunarglide+ 3 and the latest additions to the family, my Nike Alphaballer and my Air Force Ones Premium and come release date I will hopefully own a pair of CTR360 Maestri in purple and white and I shall love them.

I was disappointed that yet again I was given false information but I guess all you can really do is grit your teeth and get on with it I suppose but it does mean that I have no football boots for Sunday's match unfortunately but I guess it's not a total disaster as hopefully I can burrow someone else's pair and dominate in them but I get what I'm given...

Anyway today was a very materialistic post and I chuckle to myself at the thought of that as I never thought I'd get to that point but ah well, I guess if I was so filthy rich that I was sweating money I would buy things as well but as I think about it I just think, I wouldn't really change as I'd be the same oblivious and slightly naive person I always am but just in better clothes and trainers.

Anyway, hopefully those CTR360 are in my possession soon enough but I should really start to think about space as I have literally nowhere to put my things...I think Sunday morning requires a clearout...

A line crossed

My…goodness, I’m done with you, defended you for long enough and now you’re going to refuse to play when you are asked to?

Carlos, Carlos, Carlito…I defended you when others would criticise, heck not just me but others would too citing your work ethic and talent as reasons to overlook these mishaps but what do you do? Simply spit back in the faces of those who’d support you, eurgh…

The public has a very negative view of footballers especially with the wages that they get and I have defended that to an extent and then this happens, you refuse to play and then claim there was a misunderstanding…a misund- what. the. fuck. No, no no no nonononnoooo you don’t get away with that, you’ve been here in this country for how long and you’re still at the point where someone telling you that you’re going to come on the pitch can be misconstrued for you to sit and sulk like a bitch on the bench. MY…GOODNESS…

I just…eurgh…no. I’m done with you. Zabaleta blanked you when you tried to talk with him and I laughed, oh how I laughed…

Now I’m not even making much sense anymore so I think I’m going to stop there and say there is nothing you could probably do to make me look at you in a favourable way again. Right now I’m not mad at you as I’m sure you had your reasons and it made sense to you but for me I just can’t and will not deal with you anymore. Goodbye.

Haven’t we been here before?

Oh my goodness, so so sooo predictable, you really think I didn’t see that coming? You think that you're the only one to comment on my attitude but what I will say about that is let’s face it, it’s because it’s pretty much same old same old. I do what I do in order to better myself, I mean come on, I will be frustrated about stupid goals being conceded and/or passes and things going awry.

I’m supposed to be satisfied with the situation right now? Am I supposed to be all happy and smiley with the fact that yet again we cannot seem to do the basics right? So I was a substitute today and yeah I was disappointed (no shit) especially as I knew that it was politics that this situation arose, I am so confident and buzzing in my ability (thanks to working with such brilliant people) that to be on the bench was annoying especially as I feel that I shouldn’t be dropped but meh, I’ve been here before and I’ll do now what I did then and that’s destroy…everything. Goals, assists, tricks, chances, I shall do them all and show you why I am the best, why I am unbeatable, why you never really should put me in a corner.

Oh how I’d hate to be you right now…

Going above and beyond

So it's been a week and how has it gone so far? Quite amazing if I'm honest but maybe that's the naivety and enthusiasm talking, who knows, with a bit more experience my outlook on this may differ drastically but I doub- hmm I can't promise anything, but I think there's enough change in this to keep things fresh and new, always new customers to greet and new opinions to take in, always people to learn from and I find that amazing, not only that but bonuses aren't a bad motivator either, I'll be honest, I'm not in this for the monetary goods but rather the experience and the just being there in order to be a part of something great.

Anyway, it's been quite interesting the things I've learned from workmates and customers and I've taken all of this on board and am going to use it to adapt and change my style and this excites me as I constantly feel I'm improving. For starters nerves often make me forget my words and certain bits of data but I noticed over time I was remembering more and more and able to recite it to customers. Bomba Finales, ohhh boy, I love selling this because I actually really love this boot so it makes it easier to show that to the customer which can only be a good thing.

All in all, I feel I'm improving with each day and am enjoying life at the moment

Sincerely, Jason

Ehh, too much negativity flying around and I really rather not have it at that if I’m honest so I figure I’m drawing a line under the saga as it’s just going to rumble on otherwise. Things were said on both sides but I’m just going to apologise and leave it at that.

Dear Megan

I can't say I'm surprised with how it turned out what with the pushing and pushing and her twisting and misconstruing everything I said but ho hum what happened happened. If she wants to take what I said as a belief that I support rape then to be honest I don't care as I expected her to believe something like despite not saying anything of the sort or even remotely similar but that's pretty much what it's been like knowing her, just a whole load of miscommunication and defensiveness on her part.

So she pretty much claims this is unfixable and I'll be honest, I don't care, I stopped caring straight after you tried to start yet ANOTHER fight with me. You can claim that you tried to end it by telling me to stop but how is that any different from me trying to end arguments by just saying "Nope, enough is enough, new topic" because that just makes you a hypocrite.

Now as I reflect on life I think you know something, life is good. I have an excellent job which has improved my positive disposition to life and how I view things. To be honest, you were just bringing me down with you depressiveness and negativity. Not an insult, just a fact. It's funny, I've been told plenty of times that I'm very very patient with other people even when I'm wasting my time so to hear you say that I have no patience with you is a laugh. A laugh I say. I put up with you for ages.

Ehh, I wouldn't even say "put up" as that would imply that I didn't really care for it but it seemed to do you good you venting with all your problems about your mother and your situations and all that so I didn't mind it even though there were times I didn't want to talk a out depressing stuff but nooo apparently I don't care about you at all and never have.

Right...uh huh, sure...so you're idea of me showing I care is for me to say "I care about you every 5 minutes"? Please don't make me laugh. I actually really do care about you though…

Anyway, so what have you learnt Jason? Quite simply that sometimes it's easy for people to just overlook things. It's funny, a situation occurred at work and the person was shot down instantly and they were aggrieved that their past actions counted for nothing and it got me thinking really. How people will blindly ignore previous deeds and actions in any situation. The most patient man in the world, I'd forgive him if he exploded once in a while because I'd know that that's not what he's usually like and that something else must be bothering him.

So I acted a little selfishly once in a while, I think given the amount of times that I have been extremely generous with people, I've earned that right. Of course you won't see it as that but I am an extremely generous guy.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for far too long about you when I should be focusing on happier things and that. I won't talk about you unless there's a change in situation but knowing you, I doubt that.

And I think the happy thing is that even though I was behind a screen and all, I didn't resort to wishing terrible things to you and that everything I said I would have said face to face.

The journey so far

Exhausted...long day but very good, I wonder if I'll feel this way 6 months into it. Excited, so much plans and equations going on my head regarding everything. The discount, the location, the rest of the shopping complex. Heh it was funny, I went from being overwhelmed to under and then back to overwhelmed and now I think about what all this means in regards to my life and I'm loving it all.

Something I had to note was the energy around our teammates and people and...it was quite amazing really, hopefully it stays the same down the line. But I think I have figured most people out and everyone seems genuine and it's interesting for me to hear about them and see the chemistry our team has.

Anyway it's been a good ride so far and hopefully in a year I can say that it really was worth it but I've no doubt that in a years time I'll be saying the exact same thing.

I predict a riot

How do I feel? Happy? Sad, Frightened? Worried? Blissful? I don't actually know, I suppose a combination of blissful and relaxed.

I was worried a bit for my position at Nike but they've sort of reassured me about the situation but I know I won't be relaxed until I start on the first day so until then I'm still slightly anxious for this to not blow up in my face.

Next up is these riots and it's served to do nothing to reaffirm my disappointment in this society. Okay I may not know about the cause of all this other than someone got shot during a protest blah blah blah but what I do know that all this rioting is unnecessary and pointless as well...nothing good is going to come out of it. I may have been all for starting a riot when I was younger (ahhh memories) but rioting without a purpose is....well, like I said, pointless. A change in government policy, a change in the way the place is run, an extremely controversial decision made in court or something like that okay, I can see a riot if enough people felt the same way but even so you'd have to decide whether the repercussions will be worth it for whatever change you had in mind but with this...there doesn't seem to be a purpose with this and that people are rioting and looting for the sake of it.

Anyway...what else is there? Ooh yes, the gym. Well that's going okay I guess, the programme that was given to me I'm trying to stick to and trying to stick to the amount of reps and sets but of course I have off days and that but I'm trying so that's something I'm pleased at. I've been doubted for long enough in regards to football so this year I'm going to be like "I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS!" and teach them a lesson in true greatness and what it looks like (me).

I am Jason Mycroft, accept no substitutes.

In a soundproof room

Well that was unprecedented...never before have I experienced something like that, just panic and pure stress over this.

I was replacing the tubing as I hadn't done so in a while and quite literally the hearing aid fell apart in my hand and eurgh, not only was I disappointed that something that I was so dependant on, something that I take the greatest of care to look after seeing as without sound everything is affected, something so important...whether I liked it or not, could fall apart that flimsily and that really shook me.

So after stressing and panicking about what to do, calling and falling to get someone at the Nuffield Centre which...you'd think that something so vital to deaf people would be available at all times but alas they were not.

So my options were pretty much to go early in the morning and try and do something about it but somehow I doubt that's really going to do anything about it, that time is really on my side. It really could not have come at a worse time and it's a running pattern in my life, the things I'm most excited about, something will come along to ruin it...and I know I shouldn't have that sort of mentality and that I should be stronger but it really is frustrating.

I can't even remember a time even in Mary Hare where I had a day without hearing aids because they broke like that but we had an audiology department so I suppose we had the support but imagine how vulnerable I felt when suddenly access to help was extremely limited and I felt so restricted in what I can do.

This wouldn't had been bad if I wasn't working but the fact that I was got me even more down because I know that I'm at a hearing disadvantage, therefore I know I have to work twice as hard in order to keep up and that's okay, it's not a problem, the easy way out would be to nothing and get a job or put myself in situations where I don't have to interact with other people but that's not me, not in this job no way.

Anyway, so now I'm more relaxed and less stressed now but still a bit annoyed as sound is something I cherish and really do not take it for granted. Ahhh sound, how you are all now distorted and just a bit muffled, how you are now making me work harder than I already do...why must you have all this animosity for me and treat me like this.

Ah well not much I can really do about it, I suppose I'm at the mercy of them really...

Forgotten Gift

What's this? A box? Oh yeah, I completely forgot about those. I guess I got these books at the worst possible time, when I slipped out of the book reading phase.

So I basically have books that that were bought for me but remain unopened for at least a year now, heh, ah well, maybe when I get back into reading books I may read them but until then...*ignores*

And I just wanna run…to the sun

So begins day two of the Nike journey. Woke up more tired then yesterday but it was still good, I think it just means an early night tonight and by early I mean sometime before 0100 hours but anyway here I am and the second day involved quite a bit more lectures, games/tasks especially Ultimate Rock Paper Scissors which I got to the semi-finals of...urgh, another semi final, I need to go one step further and win things but I've no doubt that I will win a task individually someday.

Working for Nike, I just look at some of the videos and I think this is just mad in a good way and again I am really hyped for this whole thing especially when I just realise that this is their biggest project in Western Europe, not only that but that I'll be a major part of the 2012 Olympics, a worldwide event and it looks to be truly amazing. Heh, sometimes I still can't believe I'm part of it myself but here I am, like a kid in awe of his surroundings and just soaking things in.

So this afternoon we went for a jog to Regent's park for a training session to do sprints, jogs and piggy back rides. Yup, amazing and so so so fun and a little bit surreal. I see these things happening in Nike videos all the time but never did I think I would be taking part in one of those events.

Tomorrow begins the three (or apparently more) mile run in the running club and ohhh boy, I guess the question is why did I join the gym when Nike were going to provide the fitness work for me ahaha

Whoo another day gone and home is where I rest until the next day. Also something to note, I started playing Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney...probably should tell Foxx this and did the first level and seriously, the actions and movement of Mr What's his face (the witness) was weird and to top it all off when he ripped off his hair and threw it at my face I thought "what." But it's enjoyable so far and I hope I enjoy the rest of the game but if it's any good then I'm sure I will

Shame there’s a lack of 999 Watches

If you are reading this then first things first. Stop reading this and go play 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors. Do it, I mean it. Play it. These sort of games need a chance to have exposure and commercial success.

Okay now to the actual post:

So what is on my mind today, music and 999. Though I may as well get these thoughts out before I lose them forever to the next game I decide to play...okay maybe not forever but anyways, 999 is a brilliant game, that's all you need to know about it.

I played this on the recommendation of Foxx and well, I've never looked back. 999 is a visual novel not unlike Ace Attorney (which I may play next) and has a deeply engrossing story and puzzles that are clever and simply amazing. It's a game that requires multiple playthroughs however it is actually done brilliantly and it makes sense to play it again and again, to pick up clues and to get the full story.

You basically start off as Junpei, a 21 year old boy who one day is kidnapped and awakes in a locked room on a sinking ship steadying filling up with water and he must use the items in the room and his wits to escape. Of course, once he does he learns that he is now involved in what is called the Nonary Game, a game of life and death where he only has 9 hours to escape the ship or die a horrible death.

Whether this description of the game sounds interesting or not is irrelevant as you should want to play it and if you don't want to play it then you should feel bad as this is a good game.

In fact, go out and buy it now and thank me later

So now I have finished another game and the question really is, what do I play next as it's not as if there's a shortage of options here but it really does depend on what I feel like playing. I do need to finish Blaze Black and I was thinking of doing some maps on Advance Wars Day Of Ruin but that face keeps propelling me to play Final Fantasy Tactics A2 and Fire Emblem is the other game on my CycloDS at the moment.

The most likely one is probably Final Fantasy but now it's really a matter of getting round to playing it.

…Still got my Nike boots

So here I was twenty minutes early with others who had arrived early as well, heart beating, sweat and just plain nervous about this but then again why wouldn't I be? I did think why am I nervous, I should be fine with this, I'm pretty sure things won't go bad, how can they? Yet I remain anxious about it all but at the same time, very excited.

After the introduction and them telling us the things they have planned on this induction period I can say I'm pretty hyped for all this, still nervous but I think the activities they have planned should settle me down some.

I think about it and I'm glad that I got turned down for other jobs because I wouldn't have ended up here, I still find it unbelievable that I beat 25,000 other applicants to get to this point and I still reflect at times on why exactly do they like me and why do they think I'm the best person for this job. I know I was confident in the presentation but really in the back of the mind I worry I'll be out of my depth but I calm myself again by thinking that I think this every single time and that there's no basis for me to truly believe this but here I am.

So with all the excitement and eagerness buzzing around I just need to step back and realise that this is a step to better things and that while I work here (hopefully for years to come) I will learn and become a better person and from what I can tell on the first day, I'm surrounded by good people which can only be a good thing.

Another thing I notice is that a lot of these people are the completion of everything that I didn't finish, I had an interest in dance, there's someone was a dance teacher, I had an interest in basketball, there's someone who plays high level basketball, I had an interest in writing and th- you get the picture.

“So name something interesting about yourself.”

Ohhh boy, I hate that because I can never think of anything interesting even though that maybe there are things that others would find interesting but for me, I find it nothing to be excited about and then I end up giving the most boring aspect of me. But I don't stress as it'll come with time that things will be found out about me, maybe interesting things but for now I'm just chilled and taking in my surroundings.

So after the morning and rota's and everything it was time for the afternoon session and more lectures but it wasn't the boring kind as it was quite engaging and interesting.

Then of course we had a group task which me and my team won so I'm pleased at that because I genuinely don't lose on tasks like this though I was disappointed with second place on the clap, knee, stamp task but you can't win them all. Ah well

So I'm prepared for tomorrow and whatever it brings but it never ceases to amaze me the fact that I'm here.

Also, LeBron James! That's pretty amazing.

Living locally

Living far away...here's a question, do you think that those who live the furthest gets to see the most real side of ourselves?

Why do I ponder this? Because it popped into my mind. I dislike...well, dislike is a strong word. I've no desire to really know the people that live near me because...while this may signify arrogance, it's because I don't believe they think on the same wavelength that I do I can say that I don't believe I'm better than them or anything but rather...different in ways.

I believe them to be concerned with things that I wouldn't be be and vice versa. Their attitude to life does not match my own and therefore getting along is...complex.

Anyhoo so yeah, why is it that the good people I meet always live far away from me...It's annoying to know that I can't just pop on a train or bus to see her but in this case a plane, eurgh, just my luck...

I guess there's nothing to do but enjoy what we have now and maybe in the future the situation will change for the better but as much as I'd love it to be one of my special powers, reading the future is not on my repertoire of skills.

I predict a riot

How do I feel? Happy? Sad, Frightened? Worried? Blissful? I don't actually know, I suppose a combination of blissful and relaxed.
I was worried a bit for my position at Nike but they've sort of reassured me about the situation but I know I won't be relaxed until I start on the first day so until then I'm still slightly anxious for this to not blow up in my face.

Next up is these riots and it's served to do nothing to reaffirm my disappointment in this society. Okay I may not know about the cause of all this other than someone got shot during a protest blah blah blah but what I do know that all this rioting is unnecessary and pointless as well...nothing good is going to come out of it. I may have been all for starting a riot when I was younger in a jokey way (ahhh memories) but rioting without a purpose is....well, like I said, pointless. A change in government policy, a change in the way the place is run, an extremely controversial decision made in court or something like that okay, I can see a riot if enough people felt the same way but even so you'd have to decide whether the repercussions will be worth it for whatever change you had in mind but with this...there doesn't seem to be a purpose with this and that people are rioting and looting for the sake of it.

Anyway...what else is there? Ooh yes, the gym. Well that's going okay I guess, the programme that was given to me I'm trying to stick to and trying to stick to the amount of reps and sets but of course I have off days and that but I'm trying so that's something I'm pleased at. I've been doubted for long enough in regards to football so this year I'm going to be like "I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS!" and teach them a lesson in true greatness and what it looks like (me).

I am Jason Mycroft, accept no substitutes.

Braaaains, braaains

Resident Evil...what have they done to you, you used to be all about fighting ACTUAL zombies and more about survival than about action and upper-cutting boulders and the likes.

My beloved franch- well, to tell the truth I wasn't really that into the series anyway haha, I only ever played Resident Evil 2, the one with Leon S Kennedy and Claire Redfield and that is one of my most cherished games...yes nostalgia does play a part in it but there are plenty of other games I know weren't good but I still like them anyway.

Anyway, so the first game I didn't play but I know somewhat about the storyline along with the third game. Now when it comes to spinoffs and any games that are not part of main entries of a story, I'm hesitant to play them. The reason for that is that when it comes to a story, anything that relates to the plot and is somewhat essential should be in the main entries anyway.

The last thing I want to do is to play a completely separate game to understand something that's vital to the plot. Everything not mentioned in the plot should preferably just be background information and nothing more.
That being said I haven't actually played any of the Resident Evil spinoffs or other games so yeah...wait where was I going with this? Ahh forget it.

So Resident Evil 4 I am a huuuuuuuge fan of because it was different and exciting and it was actually good especially the dialogue ("What 'r you buying strangah", "Your right hand comes off?" and "You're small time!" all brilliance), it was also fun to play for a second time with the better weapons and additions such as the Chicago Typewriter and the infinite rocket launcher (blowing up a villager's head with a rocket launcher has never been so satisfying).

So while Resident Evil 4 was applauded and praised, surely you can't mess up with Resident Evil 5 right? WRONG!

Eurgh how do I start with this. While Resident Evil 5 is by no means a bad game, it's just not that good enough. It's far too similar to RE4 and that it offers very little. I don't mind to use the criticism that it's similar against it but it really just feels like it's Resident Evil 4 IN AFRICA (or Haiti to be more precise, I've always hated it when people say Africa as a catch all term for things set in that continent) and that wait...haven't I played this before?

Yes the co-op was a nice feature but too many times have I been let down by incompetent team-mates who failure to understand that trying the same thing over and over will not bring about results and means we have to redo it again and again and it's frustrating ergh. This feature doesn't make up for the boredom in this game really (AND OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST CRAWL UNDER THE LASERS, WHY DO I HAVE TO GO AROUND IT) and its blandness and it just wasn't very good.

So with the speculation of Resident Evil 6 along with a leaked shot of the announcement date, I've not checked if it was faked or not, I am wary in what direction this new game will take and how it pans out. Hopefully it'll be another masterpiece as even number entries usually are for me but I guess along with many other things in life, I'll just have to wait and see.

Flyer than the rest of them, still got my Niké boots

Oooh optimism, you are one funny thing, so easy it is to gain you just as quick as it is to lose you. Pre season training has arrived and this is it, the start of what hopes to be a promising season…promising for who? Ahhhh well you see that depends on exactly what happens between now and the date of the first pre season training session.

So basically put, I’ve put on weight, no pulling punches about it and it doesn't bother me because honestly I really didn’t think I’d be able to get back into football as a combination of playing with an injury and lack of motivation meant there was nothing to aspire for.

So has that changed now? Hmmmm somewhat…hmm. Yeah it has, I’m thinking to just get back into shape simply because my game plan when playing football is not about power and is more about being agile and using trickery to turn the tides into my team’s favour. I haven’t really set any goals yet and you know something? I think I might just do that right now.

Teams can play as good and as bad as they want but the simply undeniable fact is that goals wins games.

Basically I need to set myself a target of goals seeing as last year (which I don’t really count due to injury) I scored…what 4 goals or something? Barely any assists and that is just a disgrace.

So this year I aim to get hmmm let’s say…see I’ve got to think, where exactly is it that I will be playing because defensively I’m pretty much done so it’s all about the offense baby! Ahem…yeah I’m only up for playing as Attacking midfielder/Striker so that being said I’d say 10 wouldn’t be such a bad choice for a target, 15 if I’m pushing it but I honestly don’t know what the situation will be like when we return.

Assists? Well, the same thing as above applies so 10 assists should be a reasonable target for me to reach.
Getting back into shape, now I’m thinking this is a must especially as my game plan relies on it…sooooo that’s a must, I shall need to keep up my fitness throughout the whole season and that means NO QUITTING OR GETTING LAX…ahh who am I kidding, we all know it;s going to happen sooner or later, my only hope is that it happens waaaay waaaaay later.

Okay so I think I have everything, now all I need is to actually do this and that’ll mean that I go out in style and with a bang.

Look out world, Jason is coming for you

Projects to complete

1. Read The Zombie Survival Guide again because it’s such a good book
   
2. Join a gym to get fitter
   
3. Get back into updating this blog and consistently
   
4. Buy myself Niké CTR Astroturf trainers and football boots
   
5. Buy football shirts of teams that I like
   
6. Have at least one competitively viable Pokémon from every single family
   
7. Listen to songs and albums that I haven’t listened to on my iPod
   
8. Get songs and albums from artists whose discography I haven’t been keeping up with
   
9. Organise the songs I already do have on my iPod into categories
   
10. Buy myself an external hard drive
    
11. Get back into learning Spanish, French, Italian and Swedish
    
12. Get back into writing lyrics
    
13. Play the games that I bought but have yet to play. Bayonetta, Gears Of War, Assassin’s Creed, MadWorld, No More Heroes and some others
    
14. Read a list of manga. This includes Pokémon Special, Yu-Gi-Oh and many others, possibly Full Metal Alchemist but I may just watch the anime instead.
    
15. Play the games on my CycloDS iEvolution that I haven’t played
    
16. Learn some types of ballroom dancing such as the tango, waltz and others
    
17. Change my internet settings back to WPA (Danged Pokémon forced me to change to WEP)
    
18. Get my own place
    
19. Think of more items for this list

Sparkle sparkle

I really ought to watch films as soon as possible when I get sent them from Lovefilm rather than hold onto them for too long but ah well, anyways, I got round to watching Twilight: Eclipse…yeah.

Obviously I’m not oblivious to the Twilight hate and it’s extreme I should add. Not just on the anti Twilight brigade but on the pro Twilight side as well, I mean seriously?

So anyway I watched the third instalment of the Twilight Saga and I felt that it was the best of the three so far, I suppose that isn’t really saying much especially compared to New Moon…gosh that film was bad. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any cringe worthy moments, the portrayal of Bella is one that really grates as she displays absolutely NO emotion and while I’m not annoyed at the author for writing this character into existence, I find it really frustrating that the publishers and editors allowed it to get to the actual selling of the book in retail shops. I feel that somebody should have mentioned that along with millions of the other mistakes in the book (Brazilian west coast anyone?).

While you can’t really ask for a factually correct book in a story about vampires and werewolf shape shifters there comes a point where it becomes jarring to read mistakes after mistakes after mistakes.

So anyway I’m pretty much done with that film until Breaking Dawn comes out and…I’m just thinking, that's probably going to be a massive let-down and here’s why:

While I applaud the fact that for once in a story a confrontation was avoided with simple diplomatic discussion, the build up from the first part of the film (Breaking Dawn will be split into two parts not unlike the final Harry Potter movie) combined with seeing all these vampires with different powers and abilities and just the general feel of it will serve to be a MASSIVE anti-climax.

So I guess I’m going into the last film with extremely low expectations but now I think about it, the could change many parts of the movie to avoid that exact situation but for now it’s a wait and see situation. Though I’m not looking forward to the promotions when the release date approaches as the pro Twilight and anti Twilight groups come out in full force to defend/attack this series. I will just be glad when it’s all done.

IN 3D!!!!!!!

The 3DS is getting a price drop? Just as I thought.

When I first heard about the 3DS I was…skeptical, the 3D gimmick was one that I’ve never really understood and didn’t like all that much but that’s okay because you don’t have to play your games in 3D, in fact none of the games require you to do so. That was pretty much the only noise I heard from the advertising, that in now plays games IN 3D!!!! (Also you don’t need glasses)

Yes there is biggest processing power and the hardware has improved so it isn’t just an update but you’d hardly know that would you just from watching these obviously paid actors perfectly normal citizens gushing about how amazing the 3D is. Not just that but there’s obviously going to be a 3DS lite of some kind despite what PR men at Nintendo might say so I’m better served waiting for that incarnation of the handheld as it benefits me in more than than one way, yes the games.

Of course the thing that’s going to convince me to buy any game system is the actual games for it, so I took one look at the launch games of the 3DS aaaaand suffice to say I was disappointed. Even the upcoming games weren’t that impressive and that any games I may have been interested in weren’t likely to be released not for a long time yet so I guess there’s not really much point of me getting a 3DS yet

Hopefully the game library will pick up and just like the original DS it’ll have a good game library by the time I choose to purchase one but until then I’m just shaking my head at  how disastrous the whole 3DS thing has been handled.

Oh look, yet another Sandstorm team…yay

So I finally got Pokémon Online and it’s quite fun having quick battles though I do miss the animations and movement of the cartridge games and I’m having quite a lot of fun on this thing.
Now it originally was just to test a new team idea I had but I guess it may be some time before I actually get it on the cartridge but oh well I’M HAVING A BLAST

So I noted and not really that surprised at it that people tend to use the most powerful ones and bleh what can you do, but I can’t count how many Tyranitars, Ferrothorns and Latios I've seen but it’s a lot.

Then I look at my team and think yeah it’s not so different but I know I had a team and what I wanted to do with it and that was to use a Rain Dish Ludicolo and the rest of the team kind of fell into place. I like this team and while yes it has some maaaaaajor issues like not really being able beat some of the tougher threats and a lack of Rapid Spin due to me removing Forretress for a Gliscor but that was because before that change it was like “Breloooooom! *shakes fists angrily* and thus a change was actually needed. But anyway yeah, I have fun with it and that’s what matters really.

Also it’s probably better that I use this team on this simulator as opposed to the cartridge games due to the amount of times I’ve been involved in a stall war with just one Pokémon left and their grass or water type against my Milotic or Ludicolo…I’ve gone waaay past turn 100 because of this.

So I’m really thinking of a new team but I need a new theme and idea to play with and I was thinking Magic Bounce so that might be my next thing I play with but of course I will need to look at some other ideas, preferably ones that wouldn’t get much use.

Oh and I’ve also got to make myself a winning team to use on the ladders. May as well see how easy it is to stop and learn more about them for when I face them with my other teams

Life of a human

The human body, an amazing piece of work that we take for granted, whether we abuse it, look at it or whatever, we cannot deny that the body does so much for us and whenever I think about things I think we are helpless little creatures at the mercy of a lot of things. Natural elements, wear and tear, disease and just about everything and their dog are trying to kill off humans and yet the human race persists, amazing isn’t it? We manage to destroy ourselves in addition to everything else that’s trying to do the same.

While I could talk about a famous Mr Smith’s speech about how humans are like a virus but the truth is while yes we may have accelerated the destruction of this planet by however many years it is, I feel human can be and are an amazing specie.

No, what I was thinking was my knee when I went to shut a window and had to kneel on something, I couldn’t help but to think what happens when your body stops repairing itself? What happens when your lungs, your kidney or even your brain says “Nope, that’s it, I’m done, I’m out” and I think wow, maybe yes we are helpless little creatures.

Not only that but every time I think about space and this Earth and how vast out “there” is, you can’t help but think that you are sort of insignificant…but don’t take this to be depressing and miserable because mixed in with that feeling of insignificance is a equal and maybe more feeling of awe and amazement that there is just so much out there.

The possibilities as they say are truly endless.

Just my CycloDS

My CycloDS iEvolution, my CycloDS.

AWWWWWW YEAH!
So after days of telling me about how these things were amazing I listened to Foxx about getting one of these and yep, certainly worth it and now I’m pretty much overwhelmed with the possibilities of this thing that I am not utilising it heh.

Currently…or at least at the time I was typing this out I am playing 999 which is 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors and I’m enjoying that so far despite the fact I haven’t got far in it but the fact that I’m into it already is a good sign as there have been games where it has started off slow and recovered slightly or never really recovered at all and suffice to say it has not been the best of game experiences but I’m glad it most likely won’t happen with this.

So anyway I have this thing which allows me to play so many games and do so many things which means I can never ever be bored with it.

I’ve already played Pokémon Blaze Black…or rather I’m kind of playing it now along with 999 and I find it a new challenge…especially those damned Gym Leaders. I’m currently on the ice type and I am a bit more positive towards that than how I felt about the other gyms (except Elisa, she was easy) and that my team is better prepar- wait nooo I didn’t mean it like that gah haha. So yes my team is ready to take on Pryce and get my next badge.

I have also played Advance Wars Day of Ruin and found it to be vastly different from the Advance Wars before that (that was the whole point) but the storyline was better due to the darker tone. Not saying doom and gloom is all good but this comic pretty much has it summed up. While the battles in the main story mode were quite fun the last battle however is a no. I hated it and groaned the fact that yet again I’m facing a machine or thing as opposed to a proper army and that they have lasers that reduce your HP and mortars that do the same. Not my idea of a fun battle at all but no matter, I beat it anyway.

So yeah I have my CycloDS and from time to time I quickly go onto Tetris as it’s so quick and easy to set up and it is really fun and addictive. I’m actually really glad I got this, now I don’t really have to worry about missing out on good DS games anymore.

Working up a sweat

Well that was easy, don’t know why I didn’t do this ages ago and join up with the local gym but anyway what’s done is done I guess. I suppose I never really joined before because I had football and that was enough to keep me fit enough to play it but ever since my knee injury (it’s always the knees isn’t it) I haven’t been able to play as much.

Maybe it’s because football hasn’t come across that often and that…no wait, I should say “serious football” because the kind I have at the moment isn’t all that but I will stick with it for at least this year and then next year depending on my progress I shall see where my futures lies next.

So I’ve basically been given a training programme to adhere to and thank goodness because left to my own devices I probably would not have done much and meh may be even doing it wrong but at least this way I have a better chance of improving myself and staying in shape for when I need it i.e. the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

So I shall try and keep updated with my progress and hopefully in 4-6 weeks time there will be a slight improvement and all

Heey Foxx, happy now?

So I really ought to start updating this thing a lot more often really. I mean it’s not like nothing interesting has happened in my life to justify status updates and I do have lots of thoughts I wanted to type down but you know what? I just never get round to it.

But I did say that I was never any good at this, I’m always seeing things as projects and then when I can view the final product or something then I get bored of it…I find this happens all too much and in lots of different ways, for me it’s more about the journey than the actual destination. Not just that but the fact that once I can realistically see the destination I tend to want to just get on with a new project as then I know that it can be done by me hence why I have a LOT of things unfinished.

But I think a routine is needed and hopefully I should be able to get into that and I guess it’s about time as I’ve gone long enough doing what I like and being unstructured.

I think at the very minimum I should be updating this thing once a week, four times a month but I know that sooner or later I will slip up but oh well what can you do.

Former glory

It’s funny but after me and Eamon were joking the other day about the team, turns out that the team is more or less finalised anyway.

But of course, I’m involved. Do I think I’d be an asset to the team or any team in my condition and the fact that I’m currently staring at a brick wall trying out different bricks to see if there is a secret entry to the other side as opposed to climbing over the wall or bulldozing straight through it?

The answer to that overly long question is no, no, I’ve really had better days, much much better days and yet I say nothing. I really should be saying that I’m not really in the best of conditions, even if I stick to my lousy fitness regime for a month there are much better options than me.

For someone who’s game revolves around quickness and thinking on the spot, I have lost a lot of pace and agility that it’s going to take some time to get it back…maybe I’ll just go in goal then and then my fitness won’t be much of an issue for the rest of the team. I will get disappointed if I’m standing there and I see them not taking responsibility and not shooting on sight preferring to pass it instead. I will rage. Rage hard.

But that’s irrelevant as I will be playing outfield mostly anyway…I say mostly but I figure I’ll end up playing all the time. Thing is, I have to remember that the slick Arsenal passing is the way we can play and we’ll have to utilise that fully, heck if we can just enjoy ourselves then I’m content with that.

Lavish nice gifts

Interestant! I just felt like opening with that non-word but as I type this out at 0328 hours I have to really stop procrastinating and to do things now and when the moment hits me and not to finish until I’m done.

What’s up? Well I got thinking earlier (as is the way of all these posts) about myself and how I treat others specifically in relationships. It started when I was looking at some of the pictures I had of me from the Paparazzi photo-shoot and thinking “Boy, this was not worth the money at…all”. To tell you the truth it wasn’t really for me anyway and I only booked it as I figured it’d be a nice thing for her but I was sorely mistaken.

Which led me to think of all the times I sort of just threw money around and spent it on things simply because it was asked for. Things that I knew were just a passing fancy and yet I still indulged them in it.
Now then, what lessons have I learned from all this? To be honest with you, not much. Which leads me onto Foxx.

It’s really great talking and heavily flirting with her but I just think to myself have I really learned anything about life? I was saying about things I’d buy and I actually was serious about the fact that if I could I would but I had to ask myself, do I not remember what happened before? Do I not remember the feeling of emptiness when all was said and done? Do I not learn from that mistake? So why are you doing it again?
Okay, I’ll never be able to really buy Foxx anything but that fact you feel this way means come on man, what happens with the next one? Will you be doing the same thing and then when that’s over have the same feeling of emptiness?

You really ought to know by now but you never seem to learn, you say over and over how you’ll never make a mistake again but…you really don’t. I hope for my sake and yours, something happens to kick you into gear.

*sigh* Ohh and while you’re at it Jason, stop running.

The calm before the storm…or have I said that already?

So now we’re in June. Well what is on my mind. I don’t know, I never actually know nowadays and as much as I’d like to say that it’s all good, the truth is that it could be better but hey…at least things aren’t that bad.

I never know where this optimism stems from but it’s a good thing that I have it as I imagine things would be pretty dark if it weren’t there.

Though it pretty much is all a facade and if you were to ask if “something is wrong” and “am I alright”, I’d respond with a simple yeah I am fine but in the back of my mind, I know…I know something is wrong but I just cannot put my finger on it…or maybe I can and somehow my brain is blocking me from seeing the actual truth.

I need a doctor

So after fantasising about The Doctor for a long while I decided to do something about it and got myself a box set of Seasons 1-4 of Doctor Who so I can watch at my leisure. What I really want though is that t-shirt as I just think it's really neat and cool but alas I'm not sure if I can get it anyway...still, I have to hope that someone makes it into a wallpaper so I can put it on my desktop

So long and thanks for the cake

So my super long text and plea falls on deaf ears I guess. Never mind I suppose, I get the hint and I'll get over it. To be honest, sending that text really made me feel a heck of a lot better because well, I tried but oh well, que sera sera.

Or so I thought.

How to put into words how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know, one minute I’m angry, the next I’m happy, the next I’m crazy.

I’ve screwed things up haven’t I…what, what were you thinking deleting her off Facebook, deleting her number off your phone?

I was trying to break off all contact with her and painful memories

Yes but you didn’t need to go so overboard and do all this did you?

No, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t just stop talking to her, I couldn’t leave her alone. It still didn’t help, I still have messages in my phone from her, all I’ll need to do is to hit ‘reply’ and I can…

Seriously? Come on man, snap out of it, this really isn’t you

Funny thing is, it actually sort of is. You know what, I almost slipped and snapped

Yeah I was thinking that, like what does it take for you to just lash out? I can see why you’re hurt though, you allowed yourself to love someone…sorry, biggest mistake ever. This is what you were fearful of. You knew. Things come to an end eventually but you’re just scared of dealing with that pain and anguish aren’t you?

Does that make me a coward?

No but all I can say to you is that you are not unique when it comes to this feeling, everyone has been there. Pull yourself together man, if it helps you to move on, allow the bad and negative thoughts to help you get over her.

You know what I’m like with dark thoughts

Yes but what else can we do? Lets face it, you aren’t exactly knocking down on her door begging and that.

No, we live too far apart

Exactly, remind me why you’re upset again? You barely see her at all. Seriously, you dodged a bullet here. I am you after all, I know what you’re like when you put your mind to it. Really, you could find anybody. Your charm is enough, you’re caring, you think things out logically (at times) and most important of all, you are devoted and loyal, you would stay with someone to the ends of the earth

Yeah, wasn’t good enough for her though was it.

Also come on man, you went out for a year and a bit and there’s nothing to fight for? Do you really want to be with someone like that? She bloody well insulted you with those pleas to be “friends”. I know you’re pissed off about it all but it’ll serve you better in the long run. She hates your guts even though she won’t admit it, you are awkward every. Single. Time. Why do you think she’ll want to be with you?

Give it time I guess, she’ll realise what she’s missing, until then I have to leave her alone. I think I’ll need a schedule and a plan. Yes, that’s what I need. Let me check my calendar…*Checks*…Call it August 19th.

Okay then August 19th it is, you’ll sort yourself out and move on and then you if by then you still feel something you can go into Plan B

Plan B? What’s that?

You’ll know at the time. Anyway, it’s time for some sleep now isn’t it? Trust me on this, tomorrow is going to be that perfect day for you and it wouldn’t have been possible if you were still with her. Trust me on this, get over her, you don’t want to be that ex do you?

Hahaha no, what happens if I feel down?

Write about it, put it up and then realise how stupid it was. Now sleep. Nobody deserves your love right now but nobody deserves your hate…ever

Yeah, okay I’m calling it now 0145 19th May, that was when I simply did not care about Emily Louise Lardner and quite frankly she does not exist in my world any more.

Goodnight

Goodnight

Pose for the camera, pose, click, pose, click

Right I see, so even when I go out of my way to be early for something, fate or whatever it is goes out of their way to make sure I'm late...

No seriously, I left all in good time to get to this...thing, session or whatever it is especially as there's a non refundable deposit but blehh and yet I wait more than 15 minutes for a bus that really comes quite regularly.

You may question why I waited for that long but in past experience I've never really had to wait more than 7 minutes for that bus but today it was a no-show. So I upped and went and walked to the station to take the tube instead, at least I know I'll never have to wait more than 4 minutes for a train and ohhh look at that a train is already here and it's 1404 now, it's optimistic to think that I'll make it before 1415 but oh well, I think I'll give them a call to explain that I'm late..........once I get out from the underground (can't make calls underground).

*One train journey later*

Okay I'm out and I didn't call them as it was just a short walk there. After arriving there, they saw to me pretty quick and then I was groomed for the photo session...really? I don't know what exactly it is I was expecting but I was slightly expecting some massive and glamorous studios and something wondrous for a place where celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Dizzee Rascal and some others have been to, though I must remember to ask about that when I'm done here.

But even so, this is just right though, the place seemed to match my realistic expectations perfectly. Anyway I'm just sitting here waiting for my turn for the photo session and I've pretty much left it up to the photographer's choice as to what styles to do so I've no idea what to expect...exciting!

*One photo-shoot session later*

Okaaay, that was cool and quite fun, I suppose I should have brought my suit but ah well couldn't find it anywhere so I missed out on that. It pretty much was pose, click, pose, click, pose, click, change outfit and do it all again but hey, twas fun.

Now I'm pretty much waiting to view the photos before I'm done here and an hour is not a good length of time to be waiting...

*One photo viewing session later*

Well that was pretty good and I liked a lot of the photos so I ended up with a fair number of them, the price wasn't too bad either and all in all it was a pretty good day even with the bomb scare and all which me being the person that I am, only just found out when the lady who I was viewing it with mentioned it to me but me, I'm not afraid and will travel on the train home.

Would I go again? Possibly but the big question for me is, who referred me there in the first place? Ah well, I guess I'll never know

You complete me

Ah, books. Need to get back into them soonish, I think I’ll start by taking a book with me to places but what should I read first? Well I have a whole box of unread books that I certainly wouldn’t mind getting started on as they’ve been there for more than a year…huh really, when I think about it like that I think “dang, has it really been a year”. Oh well, I guess I better make a start to it.

Also tomorrow I should probably check out some gyms as I’d like to work on my fitness and get back in shape especially if I’m going to be the best ever. But also tomorrow is a session at Paparazzi Studios which I was supposed to be going with someone but now I’ll be going on my own and I’m curious about what exactly will happen but I am actually looking forward to it. It’s free but I’m sure it’s there to try and hook people into joining up or reusing their services again but I don’t plan on doing that unless it’s really something special and worth it.

Also on my mind is Doctor Who, yeah really am tempted to go and buy a boxset of it now so I watch it again as I’m so in love with the show. It’d also give me the chance to watch it in a straight run as opposed to having to watch it every week and forgetting certain details from the previous episode so that will be something different.

I’ll finish this post by saying who knew Michael Bolton could be so cool, certainly not me

The final game

As I wake up in the morning, I think to myself "oh boy" it must be six a.m as it's cold, let me sleep another five minutes and I hit the snooze button...but that wouldn't last long so up I get, pack my bags and head out the door off to make myself another memory.

Walked to the station and felt very content and relaxed (due to the lack of cars and people) and while the journey wasn't bad, in fact I was worried it was going too well. Arrived at Ricksmanworth station and had time to get myself a breakfast at the station cafe and couldn't help think as I was eating how this was similar to the Thames Valley match against Doncaster when Mark Gill took me and some others for breakfast before the match and ahhh I remember I put in a gooood performance then, was even noticed by the Doncaster players themselves. Still lost the match though

Now I'm pretty much in the car with Mario and Jason and I can't help but smile at how blissfully unaware I am about certain things, like I only just found out that we were playing Fulham last Wednesday in training when Johnny mentioned it. Now I just found out that kick-off was at 11 o'clock and I'm thinking "that's a bit early, but meh it means it finishes earlier"

So now that I’m here at the stadium it’s time to see what will happen…though I strongly suspect what will happen…

AND BY JOVE, WAS I RIGHT

5-0, really? That was a pretty poor showing and honestly honestly honestly, sometimes I wondered why we bothered showing up today…as if my week couldn’t get any worse.

So what went wrong…well, nearly everything. There was a massive gulf in fitness levels and quality but we had zero chance of winning in the first place. The passing was subpar and tactical nuance was missing from our squad too, mistakes after mistakes after mistakes kept occurring and I felt we were too defensive and just inviting them to attack us every time but then again I’m not a manager so what do I know. Enough to know when things aren’t going right and when it’s time for a change.

Speaking of change, I was asked what I was going to do this summer and quite frankly I hate the fact that my motivation for football has dwindled and that constantly I asking myself what’s in it for me? What’s my motivation? Why aspire here? There’s not really an answer to that other than to stay fit (goodness knows I need that lately) and…umm…prove to…bleh, I have nothing to prove though, except maybe to myself but even so, what will be my physical reward after all this? A medal or a trophy perhaps? Those are meaningless to me at the end of the day, so what is going to take to get me to actually get up and get out and prove that I am the best? Hopefully I’ll know the answer soon

And there she goes…

And here we are point zero. back to the beginning, landed on a snake, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect....the end of something, something beautiful I thought. But I was wrong.

I've many thoughts about the why and what’s but I cannot answer them as for me things don't really add up, she's left me nothing really except a half-hearted attempt to convince me not to give up and that I cannot predict the future. No I can't but at some point people do have to make educated guesses and quite frankly your whole demeanour and attitude left me with no confidence whatsoever.

I've tried to look at things from your perspective and failed and tried again, failed and I just can't do it. Why? It just feels like it was all pretty much a lie, you telling me how much you loved me and that. This is in no way an attack on you or anything but right now I have been thinking about it a lot and I have just a lot of answers that need answering and you fail to give me them. It's a bit silly really, I don't know why I keep wanting answers when you yourself can't even tell me how you feel yourself.

So is it any wonder I have to fill out the gaps myself and I just...ehhh I don't know, it just feels as if I'm missing something, something you can only give me an answer to but you're either flat out not wanting to tell me or you just don't know and it's the second that gets me more frustrated. Like how am I supposed to know what to do if you don't even know know what it is you want me to do.

But I think I'm done anyway, I'm not wasting anymore time on this, thinking...hoping there's a chance that this is only temporary when I have received no vibes to indicate that this is even the case. Sigh...maybe, just maybe...

The question

Oh why do I even bother with all this…?

MMM…trade with me all day long

Wow, I’m just here thinking “What is with the influx of all these trade shops?” But meh I’m not really bothered as some will die a natural death while others live on slightly longer. I guess it must be annoying to just create a new thread and then suddenly see that thing plummet to obscurity but I think in situations like this, you’ve really got to stand out from the crowd, be unique, offer something no-one else is doing and that way you can rise and all.

Also seriously guys? 14 private messages all at the same time? Hoooo boy, now I have to power though them and reply to them all which I don’t mind but I really really wanted to do something new like EV train or catch more good ones to put up in the shop.

Anyway I kinda just stopped for a bit to type this…no idea why but anyway I best get back into the thick of it, no rest for me, I’ll be fine just as long as I remember that you go crazy and experience hallucinations if you don’t sleep for 4 days……or was it 3? Hold on let me ask David Tennant as he happens to be standing in my room right now, The Doctor knows everything… OOOOHHHH I LOVE THE DOCTOR…

No wonder goals from me this time

So we lost the match, oh dear oh dear. To sum it up, I felt we could have gotten a point from that but I guess it was not to be.

As I walked away from the ground and home, I felt a sense of happiness, why? because I was tired but I felt like I worked to achieve that tiredness. It was a good thing for me because it made me feel as if I really was getting better as I felt like I was over the worst of the whole “coming back to football” thing and hopefully with regular play, my body can then adapt to the way that it needs to be for maximum efficiency

I’m also enjoying these smooth legs however there are times when I think what if Emily was to do the top half of my legs…sorry off topic, as I was typing, football was pretty decent got myself an assist however there were problems, most were discussed but in my opinion when we went 2-1 up we should have continued with the pressure as momentum was on our side but alas two goals conceded in sloppy manner meant we lost our foothold in the match and the other team went rampant on us.

While we managed to claw a goal back, it seemed nothing was going to go our way especially in the last 20 minutes when fouls just was not going our way at all.

There was some bonuses in this like the fact that we did some good passing movements, I still remain slightly frustrated that things haven’t become a habit for certain people now but meh, what can you do really

For me personally, I believe the season is almost over so the question for me really is, what do I do with that time off in the middle and there’s only one correct answer and that’s to make up for lost time

My child

Ahh, I suppose this is really an apology seeing as I'd never do it to your face really but I am trying, really.

You see, family is a tricky concept which I've not really believed in all too much, I mean, I try to teach good...no, not even that but for you to think for yourself and make that decision for yourself as to what is "right" and what is "wrong". Yes I know I know, I should be telling you that "so and so is good blah blah blah" and that "murder, killing, etc is wrong" D=< but do you want to know why I try to eschew telling you that? It's because you do what you want, I hope I did bring you up to at least understand actions and consequences, understand that yes if you are going to do something that's "wrong" there will be consequences and that is what should ultimately affect your decision to do anything.

I guess I believe I'm just doing the right thing and all, and yeah I'll admit to really just making stuff up as I go along, not really having a game plan in parenthood but yeah, maybe it's because I didn't really have a father, sure in my early years I did but I guess when you're a teenager and discovering things and self reflecting that's when you need somebody, if anybody to provide you with a little guidance but don't ask me how it's done because I've never experienced it for myself so once again, I'm sorry my child.

Just know that I'll always try my best and give you the guidance you need

Trade shop

Seriously, getting annoyed with the wait for mods or anyone to approve my trade shop but yeah yeah I suppose I do understand why the wait is necessary or even there in the first place, I guess it's going to be filled with kids who don't read the rules and fill it up with threads which clearly DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES, that being said, there are adults who do the same but yeah...just waiting and waiting, besides the sooner I get this open, the sooner I'll get my good IVs legendaries to battle with.

Maybe it's because of all the people that they deal with but certain mods can come across as a bit arrogant and tripping off on power and it's just one of the reasons I dislike it when I see people suck up to mods or just authority figures in general, I mean geez, they don't have any power, people only just perceive them as having power and just go along with it, which of course in turn leads the person of authority to actually believe that they are untouchable and eurgh, they get power mad.

So yeah, that's pretty much why I don't really like positions of authority and I suppose is a reason why I act with impunity towards them...by them, I mean ones who believe that by their being in that position they automatically Have the right to lord it over people.

But come on now, it’s been a week since I posted it, I checked and yes I did follow all the million rules you have, I know that you’ve barely done much regarding trade shops in the last week because I’ve only seen 2 new ones open, surely there can’t be that many that broke the rules and all but what gets me is that there is no way of finding out which one a person might have broken as there is no feedback, they pretty much say, “If it has been a long time then assume your thread broke the rules and try again.” Well firstly “a long time” is defined differently to everyone and for me a week is long enough (and even then I was being generous) and secondly if a person doesn’t know what rules were broken how exactly are they going to improve the second time? That logic just does not work in real life. At. All

Alas…my wait continues

Yours is a drill which will pierce the heavens

Pokémon, Pokémon, Pokémon. If you're looking for a reason why this hasn't been updated often recently then quite frankly as well as being surprised that you're still checking this site, it's also because there are now 156 little beasts of war to capture and enslave to do my bidding. I'm not going to talk about Pokémon this post seeing as I get the feeling that Emily is quite sick of me talking about them and all but that's what mode and phase I'm in now.

What I will talk about is giving up. Yes, giving up, something that happens to me more often than I can count and most of the times I genuinely don't know about it. As you may or may not know, I have returned to the football scene after a long time out and quite frankly yesterday I felt like Andrei Arshavin, that I used the hot shit, yes that hot burning shit, I would strut around like I owned the pitch and that nobody could touch me, oooohh no, but now, I'm fallible, yes, I am no longer that hot prospect when I first started all this. One reason for this I believe is because I am losing interest in the game and that I'm more and more realising that it's not my scene. I like playing it but my fitness and knee is dragging me doooowwwn, everyone says that I should just take my time and ease my way in but NUTS  TO  THAT, I  AM  THE  GODDAMN  JASON! I'll come good when I say I'll come good. No seriously, I will. I refuse to be one of those guys that people talk about being amazing until a knee injury cut short his career.

Well, until the next time I play that is....

Wax + Legs = Pain

Well, that's another memo for myself, "what's that" I hear you ask?

Leg waxing. Yeah. Not doing that again, I mean yes I do love you and all Emily but never again. I think should I ever want to get rid of the hairs on my legs I'll stick to shaving it off....not implying that I do in the first place but I reckon I would prefer that.

So anyway seeing as it's Friday, Friday and how I gotta get down on Fr*shot*

Yeah seeing as it's Friday, my mind turns to the weekend and my football matches, that's right, matches not match, I have two football matches one on Saturday and the other on Sunday.

Do I expect to play both? No, not really, I'm still far from match fitness I believe, I think I may be a sub in the first match against Bromley maybe getting a ten minute run out I guess and then start the Oxford match on Sunday, playing the majority of that match but alas we shall see.

Last week I was very surprised to play as long as I did versus St Johns but I'm glad I did as it just gets me back in the groove of things, disappointed that I did not score two goals as I only had two opportunities in the game, the first being me being smart and anticipating the defender failing the head the ball away while I controlled it neatly with my left foot before chipping the goalkeeper with my right, unfortunately a defender was on hand to clear the ball off the line...plus it was offside (it wasn't) according to the linesman.

My second opportunity came in similar circumstances to the first, not offside this time but probably should have held a lot more composure to shoot earlier before a defender got the chance to block it but ah well.

So all in all I feel good I got to play that long and hope to be back not only completing full ninety minute games but contributing majorly in some way.

Positive and negative

So a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks how much it is and the barman replies "For you, no charge"

(BOOOOOO, GERROFFF THE STAGE!!!)

I got a call today and what was that for? Well it's for Yoomoo and an interview after they read my CV and come Monday I'll see what my job situation will be like then so I'm hoping for the best and I will go all out and really try to get this thing...which brings me to the thing I was thinking about in the first place. Me.

Yes yes I know I know, I think about myself a lot and yes I am incredibly self centred and all that but in a way I think that it's a good thing in some ways because, it's because I think about myself so much that my biggest critic is me and only me, you would not believe the amount of criticism I hurl at myself, I am very rarely satisfied with my own performance whatever it is and always believe I could have done things better and more efficiently and what not.

I also genuinely believe in myself and my abilities, I strongly believe that my limit is non existent and that I can do anything given motivation, time and a lot of other factors. I feel this way constantly, when I do tests and exams, no matter if I go out all out and try hard, I always manage to convince myself that no I didn't, I can do better, that I should have revised more or whatever because I can do it, I never see a reason why I can't do it...ever. This trait is also apparent whenever I play football too as at the end of every match (pre injury), I would feel disappointed whenever I did not get man of the match, because it felt to me that people were just over looking my contribution to the game and my influence but at the same time I believe that yes I did do good but I could've done more.

I suppose that means that when I did get it I would be happy right? Wrong, whenever I got it I would feel that I could do massively better and that I'm being awarded it on some basis that I really did not want to be judged for, like I didn't get man of the match for the "right" reasons.

So that's me yeah, do I feel that people do not understand me? Well duh of course, I think of myself as being very simple and complex at the same time. I apologise if that last sentence came across as being whiny and that (no I don't but whatever), but I say this because as I was thinking about myself today, mainly my attitude I don't know, but it seems to me that people just consider me a negative person but I digress, I think of myself as a realistic, oft mistaken for in these times and that if anything, I'm more positive than negative, no the sky is not collapsing and no there aren't pigs flying but it's true I think. I don't think that I intentionally make comments of the negative variety it's just that negativity and realism is such a fine line that it's easy to mistake one for the other, in times of hardship I will try and focus on the positive, I'd think and tell of an example but right now I believe that my time on this is up so in the words of a Liverpudlian presenter, ta-ra for now.

The Samba Magician is back

Ahhh, a return to the big time....okay maybe not but this is the next best thing right? Right? Okay maybe not but whatever, I'm back baby and I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble-gum......and I'm all out of gum. *checks pockets* No, wait wait, I've got some, I've got some. So my first match is up against Farnborough or some sort, like I say to everyone, I never actually care about the team we face, I just turn up, do my business and that's pretty much it, opposition just does not interest me.

Rightio, time to play methinks...

Aaaaand, now I'm done and feels good being back playing football and just as I expected fitness was a bit of an issue but it was all good. We won 3-2 after being 2-0 down but you didn't come here to read about how the team did, you came here to read about me right...or, maybe not, fine in my opinion the team didn't do so well in the first half especially as the PASSION and GRIT™ just was not there but more importantly to a player of my type, the skill or lack of it was missing, passing and just keeping possession of the ball, it reminded of why exactly I think watching football especially as a substitute is boring and dull....not to mention I'm freezing my nutsacks as well standing on the side-lines. Before long we were down 2-0 and as per usual I'm having dreams of dragging the team back to a stupendous victory.

The second half however perked up mainly because I was linesman for a bit and got a run out in the last 10 minutes but by that time we already had came back by 3 goals so there was not much for me to do but run about and do some passing (which I did well I believe) and take a shot but the less said about that the better.

My aim is to get fit and reclaim the metaphorical throne, why? Because I'm Jason Mycroft and you should accept no substitutes. No seriously, I just want to be able to play with no fear and be good at what I do, so I've made this step and now the only way to go is up. Up indeed.

We Are Lasers

Lupe Fiasco has always been one of my favourite artists in music, his storytelling, wordplay and metaphoric rhymes have always been one to make me actually listen and pay attention to his songs so of course I was going to be pretty hyped for Lasers (Love Always Shines Everywhere, Remember 2 Smile)...whenever it was going to come out.

On first impressions, I was always going to be disappointed with the album as it had release date problems and label issues meant I was worried about how exactly this would turn out. I heard Shining Down and liked it but it was obvious that it was a song for radio and all that, I also heard I'm Beaming which I also liked but again, was a song for the radio but it was all good, but I was still waiting for the album.

Then I got wind of the track list and such is the recent trend that's been going round, it was 12 tracks.

No. No. And no. Getting hyped up for this album for 12 tracks, I was somewhat disappointed as I don't know, I was expecting a 15+ album but what can you do. Upon further inspection of the track listing you had to note the complete lack I'm Beaming and Shining Down (later added as bonus tracks) and no Matthew Santos or Gemstones. This was going to be different, wait what. Trey Songz is one of the guests? Oh...kay, that's worrying. Sway is on it? Interesting, I was curious to hear how that goes as I want to hear how Sway's style would fit into it. This will be an interesting album.

Then Words I Never Said and All Black Everything came out and I had sort of learned from the My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy saga not to listen to it as it will spoil my listening of the album and there weren't many tracks on the album so I wanted to enjoy it as a whole. Anyway, after finally listening to the album, I felt slightly...meh, nothing special here, my most liked tracks being the bonus tracks, 'Words I Never Said', 'Never Forget You' and 'All Black Everything' and the others were okay, not brill but okay with lots of people slating 'I Don't Wanna Care Right Now' and the use of auto tune. I conceded that this wasn't a patch on Food & Liquor and The Cool but I think that was expected but was the album going to be consigned to the graveyard on my iPod along with others or would it be getting constant plays at various times?

It's not horrendous, no, not at all, in fact it's starting to grow on me, even that Trey Songz song 'Outta My Head' and that I do like some of the tracks but then when I give recent tracks like SLR (TEN FO'!), Fire, We Can Do It Now and Go To Sleep, I just think, it could have been better and that.

Here's hoping his next few albums are amazing again, right now I'm going to listen to it all again.

Return to football

So I'm making my return to football training after around a year out and I'm pretty nervous but hopefully I'll come through it unscathed and all. Also pretty excited because if I do get through it, I'll be glad to be back playing football again.

A little while later...

Well I'm still here, no ill effects, not from sprinting, not from kicking, nor from twisting and turning however this was all done without a support band for my knee which I don't think I shall do ever again. I also think that maybe it was due to my fitness...or lack of it really that I didn't really try too hard or anything, which means I didn't really push myself to the limits which I'm hoping to do so over time as being fit is better than not being it (duuhhh, what next, the sky is blue?). So right now as I sit on the train the back of my knee feels a bit sore but that's merely just because it hasn't been used vigorously and the muscles will need to put in their fair shift now I have less cartilage than before. What I do hope is that my knee and my performance goes back to what it was before it all happened so then I can update this here blog with exploits of my matches and all that.

To be honest I could just shy away and not put in much effort and just be a background player but fuck that, I'm going all out for this, it'll benefit me in the long run.