The void

Aaaaahhhhh, this has got to stop happening to me but that's what happens when you are me.

It's actually been quite bothersome lately, this hole...this void inside myself. I wonder, why now? I was perfectly content before but lately it seems that despite all the good friends and people I know, I have this feeling of loneliness.

Not just that I don't feel I can really express myself any more...that I've lost something, that I've become too stoic...

"Then again, the reason why that you feel that way is because you're too shy and that you don't really trust people that much. You've become too...aware"

I want to be brave, fearless, loud and reckless at times but I just hold back and it's so frightening to me when I do...because I hate being all shy.

I constantly belt out "Schrödinger’s cat, Schrödinger’s cat" at yet I don't follow that up a lot of the times.

I tell myself and others to just let things take its course...things will happen and to not rush into so much and to enjoy the one life you have.

"But you're tired aren't you? Tired of being by yourself and tired of living in your own world by yourself, you merely want to bring someone else into it."

Yeah, I suppose that's right, I kind of know what I want but it's kind of selfish so I don't persist with it. Hahaha...

I'd love to have a relationship with someone that deeply cares about me and that I can really connect with. I'd like to be with someone that is my soul mate and that I would really do anything for and they would be the same for me. Someone that I guess knows that I'm not perfect and doesn't believe in the idea of a perfect person but because we connect so well and because know each other and we do everything together it makes us really want to be together.

Heh, I want them to be as childish as I am and has quite the imagination so we have good times together.

Anyway I'm just rambling on and that. As I type this I'm thinking of Denis who says that the two of us have a similar mind and yeah I agree except he's probably much better than expressing things. Maybe I do need to go back to being the way I used to be, before I was "aware". Maybe that'll ease and fill this void inside me, who knows, only one way to find out.