¿Que? What is this? Why do I keep coming back here? I swear I'm over her so why do I feel this way?
Quite simply it's because it's certain actions you feel aggrieved by, also the lack of...hmm how shall I put this? Karma? Retribution? Hmm, it makes it sound like she deserves punishment and that she is evil but it's not the case at all. It's the whole she practically has this good thing going and you've got what? Nothing really, it seems like you're worse off.
I'm annoyed because...I stay guarded and I close up my emotions because it hurts when someone betrays you like that...but maybe it's because when you don't show any sort of emotion for so long...things feel forced...I...I...can't even laugh properly anymore...my sense of humour is shot.
Let me tell you a story, this guy does drugs and gets a buzz from it and keeps doing it because he enjoys that buzz, that buzz...that buzz he lives for but one day, suddenly that buzz doesn't feel the same any more, like the sensation has been dulled somewhat, that his body has adapted to it. So what does he do? He takes harder drugs to get that same buzz, that same rush that he felt earlier but the same problem arises and the cycle continues until it gets to the point where the body cannot take it anymore and just breaks down with the abuse.
Okay so you're saying that the things that used to give me satisfaction in the past doesn't now.
Right right, you wonder why your sense of humour isn't what it used to be? Simply because you don't find certain things funny anymore that it's gotten to the point where things have to be extreme and...it shows.
That buzz...eurgh I need it again...It comes time and time again in things, but whether it's comedy that appeals to my weird sense of humour, what I find stimulating, what I f...My body adapts quite quickly...I'm not even sure if that's a good thing anymore.
Maybe it's because I'm too lost in my own world and I'm feeling that nihilist phase again but nothing matters to me anymore...It's scary...Am I pitying myself? What is this? I say nothing matters to me and yet I'm bothered when she doesn't talk to me anymore? What is that?
He said I was clingy, hmm, Maybe he's right because a lot of the times I feel unappreciated...like nobody recognises me for the things I do and the importance I have in the workings of people’s lives, I think about things like that you see...I...urgh, I see others and they are concerned with the most simplistic things and I question whether it actually does matter and envy them.
I'm not saying that what I think about is bigger than whatever they do but...I just sometimes wish I didn't think like this and didn't constantly doubt myself and...prove myself right about the doubts I have about myself.
I...guess most of all right now is that I wish I could have a partner to share these feelings with and lean on whenever I'm not mentally strong at the time...she sure couldn't and...that pissed me off...I had to do that for her but when it came to my problems, they were ridiculed and mocked. No-one cared...well fuck her then, I don't need to put myself through this shit.
As clichéd as it sounds I just want to find my soul mate as quick as possible because the last ones certainly weren't it...no fault of them, it is what it is.
Haha, I hope that my soul mate is coming soon, I've got quite a lot to give...so much...
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