Dodging bullets

Hohohoho, you bet I am going to use what happened recently as an entry and I don't see why not because you'd willingly talk about someone else and yet when someone does the same to you'd throw a fit, if there's something I can't stand it's hypocrisy and you quite frankly are the epitome of it.

The whole status situation was merely bad timing but I will not apologise for that because it was vague and it could have been about anyone. I am not going to apologise because YOU wanted to satisfy your curiosity and decided to ask me about it. The thing is I could have just avoided the topic altogether when you asked but I'm not going to lie when someone asks me something because I don't want to lie because people should just learn to live with the truth no matter how unpleasant than to live in a world of lies and deceit.

I also have no obligation to you anymore, I don't have to tell you what you want to hear anymore, you've got someone else for that now...oh wait no you don't anymore which brings me to the whole reason I actually put the status up, the whole reason why it was what I was thinking at the time, because you had already set your sights on someone else.

Arrghh…my head…so many thoughts…

¿Que? What is this? Why do I keep coming back here? I swear I'm over her so why do I feel this way?

Quite simply it's because it's certain actions you feel aggrieved by, also the lack of...hmm how shall I put this? Karma? Retribution? Hmm, it makes it sound like she deserves punishment and that she is evil but it's not the case at all. It's the whole she practically has this good thing going and you've got what? Nothing really, it seems like you're worse off.

I'm annoyed because...I stay guarded and I close up my emotions because it hurts when someone betrays you like that...but maybe it's because when you don't show any sort of emotion for so long...things feel forced...I...I...can't even laugh properly anymore...my sense of humour is shot.

Let me tell you a story, this guy does drugs and gets a buzz from it and keeps doing it because he enjoys that buzz, that buzz...that buzz he lives for but one day, suddenly that buzz doesn't feel the same any more, like the sensation has been dulled somewhat, that his body has adapted to it. So what does he do? He takes harder drugs to get that same buzz, that same rush that he felt earlier but the same problem arises and the cycle continues until it gets to the point where the body cannot take it anymore and just breaks down with the abuse.

Okay so you're saying that the things that used to give me satisfaction in the past doesn't now.

The Green-Eyed Monster

When you watch things from the outside you start to become envious of what people have. Even more so with people who are close to you and especially more so with people who used to be close with you.

After watching Fullmetal Alchemist I got to thinking about which of the seven deadly sins was I the most guilty of and at first I thought it was Greed with a bit of Envy mixed in but now I truly believe it is solely just Envy. Of all the other sins I can't really see me being that but Envy...maybe it's because...I want to be someone else...nah that's simplifying it too much as I'm happy with what I am but...there are certain traits I desire from people...I see them do what comes naturally to them and I wish I could do the same but I...just can't. Or at least it would just be a pale imitation and all.

It's not just traits I desire but what they have as well. Maybe I am being greedy but I want a "best" friend. I see extremely good friends go about and I make friends and I...don't know...............would I consider any of them my best friend? Would...any of my friends consider me their best friend? Maybe it's my personality and the way I'm just viewing things that makes it seem like that, after all I don't actually (or I don't think I do) get close to anyone really and while I'm friends with a lot of people I often think maybe the bond with some isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.

Hahahaha, I shouldn't even be getting jealous by these types of things but I get jealous over my friends a lot. It might not seem it but it happens especially when I see another person talking to my friends and attaching a stronger bond. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking Envy.

I envy how certain people can be all confident and go out the and do their business whereas I don't know, I'm not even sure about a single strength I have. Like I said I envy certain traits that my friends have.

And then we have couples...I hate couples...at least that's what I told myself...I hate the fact that they depend on each other so much that they inevitably end up hurting each other and the fact that due to emotions they can make such illogical decisions but I suppose the truth isn't that at all...the truth is a bit obvious now. The truth is that rather than pour my feelings on this sorry excuse for a blog, I'd rather be pouring it on someone who actually cares.

Yeah...talking to a "soul mate" who cares legitimately about your problems and loves you for you and would do anything for you while in turn I'd be willing to do the same back...but I guess that's the danger isn't it, building the perfect partner in your head that anyone that doesn't match up to the standards you've set for the perfect partner is automatically considered a "failure".

To finish this entry off I think of one more thing and one puzzle that mystifies me, something that I've been thinking about the last few days and that's my exes, how they seem...happy now...and yet that bothers me when it really shouldn't. I'll...have to think about that some more.

Lavish nice gifts

Interestant! I just felt like opening with that non-word but as I type this out at 0328 hours I have to really stop procrastinating and to do things now and when the moment hits me and not to finish until I’m done.

What’s up? Well I got thinking earlier (as is the way of all these posts) about myself and how I treat others specifically in relationships. It started when I was looking at some of the pictures I had of me from the Paparazzi photo-shoot and thinking “Boy, this was not worth the money at…all”. To tell you the truth it wasn’t really for me anyway and I only booked it as I figured it’d be a nice thing for her but I was sorely mistaken.

Which led me to think of all the times I sort of just threw money around and spent it on things simply because it was asked for. Things that I knew were just a passing fancy and yet I still indulged them in it.
Now then, what lessons have I learned from all this? To be honest with you, not much. Which leads me onto Foxx.

It’s really great talking and heavily flirting with her but I just think to myself have I really learned anything about life? I was saying about things I’d buy and I actually was serious about the fact that if I could I would but I had to ask myself, do I not remember what happened before? Do I not remember the feeling of emptiness when all was said and done? Do I not learn from that mistake? So why are you doing it again?
Okay, I’ll never be able to really buy Foxx anything but that fact you feel this way means come on man, what happens with the next one? Will you be doing the same thing and then when that’s over have the same feeling of emptiness?

You really ought to know by now but you never seem to learn, you say over and over how you’ll never make a mistake again but…you really don’t. I hope for my sake and yours, something happens to kick you into gear.

*sigh* Ohh and while you’re at it Jason, stop running.

So long and thanks for the cake

So my super long text and plea falls on deaf ears I guess. Never mind I suppose, I get the hint and I'll get over it. To be honest, sending that text really made me feel a heck of a lot better because well, I tried but oh well, que sera sera.

Or so I thought.

How to put into words how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know, one minute I’m angry, the next I’m happy, the next I’m crazy.

I’ve screwed things up haven’t I…what, what were you thinking deleting her off Facebook, deleting her number off your phone?

I was trying to break off all contact with her and painful memories

Yes but you didn’t need to go so overboard and do all this did you?

No, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t just stop talking to her, I couldn’t leave her alone. It still didn’t help, I still have messages in my phone from her, all I’ll need to do is to hit ‘reply’ and I can…

Seriously? Come on man, snap out of it, this really isn’t you

Funny thing is, it actually sort of is. You know what, I almost slipped and snapped

Yeah I was thinking that, like what does it take for you to just lash out? I can see why you’re hurt though, you allowed yourself to love someone…sorry, biggest mistake ever. This is what you were fearful of. You knew. Things come to an end eventually but you’re just scared of dealing with that pain and anguish aren’t you?

Does that make me a coward?

No but all I can say to you is that you are not unique when it comes to this feeling, everyone has been there. Pull yourself together man, if it helps you to move on, allow the bad and negative thoughts to help you get over her.

You know what I’m like with dark thoughts

Yes but what else can we do? Lets face it, you aren’t exactly knocking down on her door begging and that.

No, we live too far apart

Exactly, remind me why you’re upset again? You barely see her at all. Seriously, you dodged a bullet here. I am you after all, I know what you’re like when you put your mind to it. Really, you could find anybody. Your charm is enough, you’re caring, you think things out logically (at times) and most important of all, you are devoted and loyal, you would stay with someone to the ends of the earth

Yeah, wasn’t good enough for her though was it.

Also come on man, you went out for a year and a bit and there’s nothing to fight for? Do you really want to be with someone like that? She bloody well insulted you with those pleas to be “friends”. I know you’re pissed off about it all but it’ll serve you better in the long run. She hates your guts even though she won’t admit it, you are awkward every. Single. Time. Why do you think she’ll want to be with you?

Give it time I guess, she’ll realise what she’s missing, until then I have to leave her alone. I think I’ll need a schedule and a plan. Yes, that’s what I need. Let me check my calendar…*Checks*…Call it August 19th.

Okay then August 19th it is, you’ll sort yourself out and move on and then you if by then you still feel something you can go into Plan B

Plan B? What’s that?

You’ll know at the time. Anyway, it’s time for some sleep now isn’t it? Trust me on this, tomorrow is going to be that perfect day for you and it wouldn’t have been possible if you were still with her. Trust me on this, get over her, you don’t want to be that ex do you?

Hahaha no, what happens if I feel down?

Write about it, put it up and then realise how stupid it was. Now sleep. Nobody deserves your love right now but nobody deserves your hate…ever

Yeah, okay I’m calling it now 0145 19th May, that was when I simply did not care about Emily Louise Lardner and quite frankly she does not exist in my world any more.

Goodnight

Goodnight

It’s time for CHANGE?

So yeah I’m back and the operation went…well? Probably, nobody told me if it did or maybe they did but I was just so out of it that I might have forgot. So while being under the effects of anaesthetic was an interesting one and made me wonder about being knocked out and all and how that’s just amazing, this whole knee deal with the swollenness and the pain is a bit of a bummer but hey at least I’ll actually be able to fully straighten my leg after this which thinking about it is actually quite exciting as I haven’t been able to do that in three years.

My recovery is going okay I guess, I haven’t really been about to do the physiotherapy exercises on account of the pain and it just not physically being possible to actually lift it for any of the exercises but since it’s getting better I should be able to do some of them now and all, hoping to be able to walk if not shuffle about within the next few days but I still have to take it easy though. But I’m actually quite excited and positive about what I’ll be able to do and all now.

That’s what’s up girl

Do you know sometimes you’ll mock me and all but do you know what’s difficult? Knowing stuff, understanding stuff, having a high need for cognition, wanting to understand why things work, how things work. Psychology and even a bit of sociology, I am so glad that I studied that. I can’t even tell if I was being a bit sarcastic with that last sentence there but maybe that’s because I don’t know.

You see, what happened today, or rather yesterday well, I don’t want to want to come across all smug and in an “I told you so” manner but I feel sort of justified and that my feelings and things that I thought would happen, well that they did. You see, I do feel that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to some stuff that people just see me as being negative, critical or whatever but if I didn’t feel that that then I would not be saying these things.

I’m not going to say “I told you so” or anything like that and there are times that I really wish people would listen and not just hear me, I mean actually listen to what I’m saying but I guess it’s just the nature of people isn’t it? They all want to open the box and see the cat for themselves.

In regards to you Emily, yes I really did see your point, I did understand, I did know your pain that you weren’t known and how it was affecting you, I wasn’t oblivious to it but you see, when you’re me and you think things out objectively and that you get put in a position where all the options you can take are going to be…messy ones, that no matter what you do the status quo will be affected in some way. When I can see the choices and it makes me feel a bit conflicted inside. This isn’t just in regards to yesterday but in other things that I deny you. I’m really sorry for all of it, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make the choice but alas.

I hope you can understand a little of why I do certain things and not do others, perhaps you might feel I could go about it better or something, in a different way, but every single time I struggle which the choice of the best option to take, I try and do for the greater good sometimes.

To You

Hmm…hmm. How do I feel?

How can I best express what it is that I’m feeling?

How can I get points out of my head? Things that stick with me but I have no words to describe it. Just the emotions.

Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to structure this?

You see, the thing is the past few weeks we’ve been arguing more and more.Things have just gotten less and less pleasant between us. Why?

Thoughts of mine

Yesterday was an eventful day for me, it started off full of promise really then went spiralling of into despair…maybe that was a bit too far but anyway I started with some phone calls to make, of course one being to the Royal Free hospital to see if they’ll DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY FRICKING KNEE! But alas, they’ve yet to look at my case and they’ll call me back as soon as they do. Oh goody(!) Asides that, I have sorted out an interview to sort out my jobseekers which means I can get a bit more professional help with looking for a job and have a bit of income coming in which no doubt will help me fund my addiction to cocaine and alcohol. No I’m kidding I do not have an addiction to them but it would be nice to have a bit of extra income coming in while I’m also searching for jobs.

My Sunshine

Strange isn’t it?

What’s strange? I don’t know but it seemed like something you’d start one of these things with, I wasn’t actually what was strange. I could have said it was strange the instances that we met it how it was strange how were alike or whatever but I didn’t. In fact I’m not even sure what I’m even trying to achieve with this post and all but I just finished one earlier and just decided on a whim to do this.

Right now at the time at this time it is…err…let’s just call this, very late and you are asleep having gone to sleep annoyed at me. Maybe you calmed down a bit just before going to sleep but I cannot tell due to the fact that I cannot see body language and tone of voice in text but what can you do?

You didn’t want to hear what I think and I’m sorry so I guess it’s just given me something to mull over and to write down on here especially considering that I haven’t really wrote much in my blog recently (always seems to pick up around the end of the month and the start of the next but then go missing in action during the middle).

I don’t know about things but I like to speculate and imagine stuff. I have no idea where I’m going with this seeing as I’m tired and I’m probably going to sleep very soon so I’m going to just get down as much as I can and I keep forgetting the purpose of these blogs and that was to talk to myself about things but right now I feel I have been talking to you. I’m going to stop that right after the end of this paragraph as if I wanted to talk to you like this I would have done it in a text or on Facebook or something of some sort. Right now I need to talk to me about you.

“So, Emily huh”
“Yep indeed.”
”Remember that time and then after which you said that you’d do anything for her happiness, do you think you’ve done that? Do you think that you’ve made her happy whenever you could?”
“Maybe sometimes I have and sometimes I haven’t. I do try and achieve just that”
“ I know you do but personally I think it’s hard you know? She doesn’t get to see you very much and no doubt that fact is harder for her than it is for you”
“Yeah, something I’d do well to never forget”
“And it doesn’t really help that you have a natural tendency to absolve yourself from blame and you are a bit resistant to change in some ways…You tell yourself that your…"flaws" are just character traits, things that you naturally do and it’s because of that I think it’s harder at times.”

Didn’t you read about INTPs and how things that might be so blatantly obvious to you that it just feels redundant to say it at all. I’m glad you’ve improved that certain side of you as yes, it might seem so obvious that you love her and that yes, you do think she is beautiful despite her attempts to put herself down but like you were just thinking a moment before you typed this sentence, the way your brain works and the way that you view the world isn’t the same line of thinking as others and hence while it might feel…weird and redundant to say something sometimes others might not know what you’re thinking and sometimes even go as far to think the complete opposite (sometimes your actions contribute to this as well), tell her that you think she is gorgeous more often, let her know that you do care what she is doing at the moment, tell him that he’s an utter and quite frankly despicable bastard and you loathe their guts and believe them to be superficial…ok maybe not the last one so much but yeah it is obvious about these matters but sometimes it is only obvious to you and to be honest it can make you seem a bit…nope I don’t have the word but I’m sure something'll turn up sooner or later.

So anyway when you wake up tomor- today in about 7 hours time, just remember to stay calm and be patient, it’ll benefit you in the long run after all, who else would put up with your character and I’m not going to leave that as a rhetorical question and I’m going to answer it right now. The answer is no-one.