So yeah I’m back and the operation went…well? Probably, nobody told me if it did or maybe they did but I was just so out of it that I might have forgot. So while being under the effects of anaesthetic was an interesting one and made me wonder about being knocked out and all and how that’s just amazing, this whole knee deal with the swollenness and the pain is a bit of a bummer but hey at least I’ll actually be able to fully straighten my leg after this which thinking about it is actually quite exciting as I haven’t been able to do that in three years.
My recovery is going okay I guess, I haven’t really been about to do the physiotherapy exercises on account of the pain and it just not physically being possible to actually lift it for any of the exercises but since it’s getting better I should be able to do some of them now and all, hoping to be able to walk if not shuffle about within the next few days but I still have to take it easy though. But I’m actually quite excited and positive about what I’ll be able to do and all now.
But of course things haven’t gone swimmingly in regards to life outside that and of course some behaviour just baffles and astounds me and just well…it bothers me and makes me feel a bit sick to the stomach.
Last night was no doubt a rough night for Emily but to be honest after what’s happened as I write this and even before then I’m in mental torment and anguish. Why? Well because you’ve told me that your parents do n- greatly dislike me.
How do I feel about it? If I’m honest, I feel a lot of things about it…and my problem is whether I share these feelings or not, whether I keep them to myself or not and all these things. It’s just there’s never a good solution…I say “good” but really let’s be honest, one way or another someone is going to be upset.
Where do I start really. Well first of all, I’m not surprised they don’t like me, I actually can tell if someone dislikes me and all and yeah…that does not bother me, no siree, after all why would it? People are complex beings with emotions and moral fibres and reasoning that affect their judgements and perspectives on life and of course other people so individuals will have their likes and dislikes about others.
Of course though, I am annoyed, why? Well the reasons you gave me and all, well just frankly, I don’t know. I’m always miserable? Fine whatever, that’s just how I am. I do not see myself as being miserable, I see myself as being a realist and somewhat pragmatic, sure I can see why it’s mistaken for being miserable but if anything it’s just a clash in personalities which I tend to experience a whole lot with people and…look I’m drifting off here, what I’m going to say is pretty much I’m sorry but things like that I’m always miserable or that I don’t say much, no. Naah, I don’t care, I’m not changing. I thought about it, it’s not a case of saying more talking to everyone and that, I just let things flow and I’m that’s just how I am. If I had something to say then I’d say it but I don’t, maybe we just don’t really have much in common or much things to really talk about but I’m sorry but I’m not going to change it because I’m not going to change who I am.
Anyway, that job thing is also pissing me off because I’m sorry, what do they really know about my life and how I’ve been searching for a job. It’s not even that I’m not doing anything though Emily and her family might just agree that it’s laziness or whatever which by the way I hate that tag especially as it’s used in such a majorly negative sense but I’m annoyed with me being called that because everyone has different ideas of being lazy is. Right now I’m applying for jobs whenever I can, if employers don’t want to get back to me, how does that deem me lazy? Just before we went to bed last night Emily told to apply for Sainsbury’s which not only had I done that but applied for places like Morrisons, Boots, Gamecentral, Blockbusters and all that, but nothing. I go to the library to look up jobs and that and there are just many jobs that I really wouldn’t be suitable for e.g store protection, hairdressers or they require experience and/or a bit more qualification for managerial job and that but nooo I’m being lazy.
Naah, I went to this place the other day after seeing someone about my improving my CV, this was to go on computer courses in an effort to gain and update more qualifications, just basically, I have been doing things and being proactive. If people want to hate me because I don’t have a job yet, go ahead but I’m not going to waste any of my time with these people. If I don’t fit their ideas of a desired human specimen then that’s not my problem, I am what I am.
Finally maybe that just took the piss but was really “I say umm before answering any questions” Well gee, pardon me for having a tic or whatever. Maybe it’s a confidence thing and I don’t really commit my answers? Maybe it’s a deaf thing and I’m just making sure what I heard was correct and I’m actually answering the questions. But to dislike someone because of that? Just seems superficial to me, people have tics and carry themselves in different ways, I don’t think I find them annoying, just interesting to be honest.
So what now then? The answer to you then is that I should change my character. No. It’s not going to happen. I don’t think I could and it would seem to forced to me and go completely against my nature. I am not a fake person and what you see is really, what I am. You may not like it or you might do, but I’m not going to change. I understand the consequences but quite frankly I shouldn’t even be there if I have to completely change who I am just to spend time with you, that’s just not- and because you’ve told me this, the atmosphere is not one I’d like to be around to be honest so no.
Sure, I’ll look at getting my own place, but who knows how long that’ll take that to be honest I just don’t really see any quick or good way past this or whatever.
The thing I console myself with and the reason why I haven’t actually made a complete 100% decision yet on what to do is because maybe I don’t know the full story and all. Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but I don’t know. I’m just very disappointed and annoyed at all this.
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