Thoughts of mine

Yesterday was an eventful day for me, it started off full of promise really then went spiralling of into despair…maybe that was a bit too far but anyway I started with some phone calls to make, of course one being to the Royal Free hospital to see if they’ll DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY FRICKING KNEE! But alas, they’ve yet to look at my case and they’ll call me back as soon as they do. Oh goody(!) Asides that, I have sorted out an interview to sort out my jobseekers which means I can get a bit more professional help with looking for a job and have a bit of income coming in which no doubt will help me fund my addiction to cocaine and alcohol. No I’m kidding I do not have an addiction to them but it would be nice to have a bit of extra income coming in while I’m also searching for jobs.


Today, or rather yesterday I also had a careers guidance interview which was to help me in that step to figuring out what direction I want to take with my life and what exactly I want to do with it, I know earlier I said I was going to just to law but it was nice to talk to someone about career choices, I especially liked their analogy using trainers when it comes to choosing a career. I found it very helpful and while this is not to negatively criticise Mary Hare (my old school) but I found it much more helpful than they ever were in this sort of stuff. Part of it (they may argue that all of it) was my fault as I don’t think I was at a point where I really wanted to think about the future and was just enjoying what I had now seeing as how I knew that the future would be stacked with ridiculous stuff like debt, loans, tax and all that other mumbo jumbo and to be honest I don’t think they were all that fussed about me but again it could just be that my perception of it is slightly skewed.

Which brings to another point I wanted to make and yes I am going of in a tangent but oh well. Are we forced to think about life changing decisions too early? Do we even have a childhood anymore? It might just be me but things like choosing your GCSE’s when you’re in Year 9 and people placing so much importance on it is going to stress out some people especially at a time when you are still sort of enjoying your life, but ah well. I mean, you can always be planning for the future but sometimes you have got to ask yourself what if you don’t have a future, so many things could lead to your plans being all thrown off and that that I think enjoying yourself now is kind of important too. Not just that but, gah I’ve lost my train of thought…umm…yeah, I suppose it can be said that you could enjoy yourself now or work hard now so you don’t have to work as hard later but no, I sort of disagree with that as well, you’ll still be working as hard later on in life, you’ll still be doing boring stuff that you don’t want to do, there’ll be things like recessions and demands and that that might…no they will screw up your plans and affect you in a major way, as it stands it’s pretty much you’re born, you live, you die. Not really much time for fun, sure you have all the fun you want when you’re a child but that’s when you don’t really know much about the world and that, wouldn’t it be fun to have fun while you do actually know about the world and you sort of have a realistic idea about how it works because to me that would make it a lot more fun.

So anyway after all that me and Emily had another falling out. If there’s one thing that annoys me about myself, apart from all the other things it would be that things make so much more sense in my head, logic, explanations, everything is so much better when it’s trapped in my mind that when it’s time to reveal it externally it never is as good as it used to be, it isn’t as pure as the thought that was once in your head. You never really do take into account how others interpret the words, you never really do take into account how it sounds or which words to use when speaking it. It might just sound arrogant, conceited, excited, bored when you yourself knows how it sounds in your head. You yourself knows the emotions that, well I say should be felt when in you think it in your head. Inside your head are the answers and possibilities but the challenge is really articulating those thoughts in a manner that makes it just like the thoughts in your head. It’s why I sort of did this this because I wanted to just get things out as close to the thought that popped inside my head.

The point of that was just to really explain how things that make so much more sense in my head, things that have images, feelings and things you cannot express in spoken form but are vital to understanding the words that are spoken. They can be misconstrued and they end up causing problems, we argue far too much and while I have so many thoughts and things that I’d like to share with her to explain how I feel about things, it pains me to know that that will never ever be the case.