To You

Hmm…hmm. How do I feel?

How can I best express what it is that I’m feeling?

How can I get points out of my head? Things that stick with me but I have no words to describe it. Just the emotions.

Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to structure this?

You see, the thing is the past few weeks we’ve been arguing more and more.Things have just gotten less and less pleasant between us. Why?

You say it’s me and I say…it’s me. What can be done to solve it? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
On Tuesday night I had a mini think to myself and I said yeah there was something wrong, I needed to rediscover that love I had for you, I had to look at pictures of you to reignite that love because I think I loved you less than I did at the start…my attitude to you had somewhat changed.

I found you annoying at times, your flaws kept popping up at my face, I couldn’t stop thinking negative things, I try to keep things locked up because I don’t know how else I could deal with it. I say flaws but it’s really just the sort of person you are, just like your lack of confidence and the fact you get disheartened when you hear bad things about yourself meant that discussing it with you was problematic.

I wish I didn’t notice these things. I wish I could find it easier to deal with people. I wish I wasn’t do flawed and didn’t feel so different in some ways.

It’s funny, people will spend their whole life wishing to be somebody, somebody that stands out from the crowd, whereas me I just want to fit in at times. No I am not trying to say I’m different or anything but sometimes I can feel it with my immediate crowd, what I mean by that is the group of friends the you surround yourself with at school or college, your family, the local people in your area. People more relevant to you, to your life right now. I wish I didn’t have to think so much about things, to question things…if anything last year was probably the worse thing that could have happened to me in terms of how I deal with people.

You’re probably reading that and thinking “oh there he goes again, being miserable, wallowing, self-pitying” but you know what?…That’s who I am. That’s me. Maybe you wouldn’t have said yes then would you.

But anyway, my name is Jason and I think. I overthink. It’s why I’m so downbeat and just bleh at times. I strive to find answers and meanings in behaviours and actions. You know, I’m not sure if you actually did know about this but I was supposed to see a psychiatrist around this time last year after I got a letter from them, I can only assume that my family arranged the appointment and just didn't really discuss with me…oh they did but it would have involved shouting and arguments and making people feel bad.

The point of that tale was really me asking myself why am I like this is there something “wrong” with me? Do I have a syndrome or mental disorder that makes me like this? Is it the winter? It must be something and part of me  is scared to find out but another part wants to find out but knows I will just reject it. This is in no way meant to make you feel sorry for me but there must be something wrong with me…why else have I found the need to push you further and further away from me? Why else do I feel like telling you to leave me alone? I just feel so far away from you, so distant. Not close to you at all.

What is it? What is it? What is it? What’s changed? Why do I want to tell you things that will hurt you but frustrate me oh so much?

Do you know what it was? A circle. A cold vicious bloody emotional circle, I cannot say because I don’t know) when it started but it would be something like this You talk less and of less substance to me, I begin to resent you for not talking to me, I then don’t feel all happy or loved up, It reflects somewhat in my behaviour towards you, you feel like you don’t love me anymore and that you’re losing me which causes you to not say much to me for whatever reason and the cycle begins again. Of course I could be all wrong, it is 0222 as I’m typing this and I’ll need to get up early in the morning after all. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

But yeah because of this cycle things started to bother me way more than they need to. I suppose you should skip this next part really.

Remember that night you felt like really really crying? 22nd it was, when I was just being mean? What annoyed me then was how you’ll say that yeah we’ll discuss it in the morning because you’re tired which I cannot blame you for but the thing is we never do. You also don’t listen to me, at least that’s what the bitter me feels, it could be completely wrong but you don’t believe with things, it wounds me that you no longer trust me I I say I love you and you don’t believe me which just makes me question it more, circles again. I say I said something and you don’t believe me it hurts me when I hear that…I wouldn’t lie to you about serious stuff, I just wouldn’t lie to you…You have a refusal to deal with things and do you know why I couldn’t give you some loving and I really struggled to say nice things? It was I was feeling destructive and angry, hurt and a whole load of bad things and I need to get away from you, I need to stop talking to you but you wouldn’t let me. Is that how you deal with the pain yourself? By thinking happy thoughts? By making others do the same? Sorry I’m not strong enough to do this, sorry it only makes me even more angry and I can’t support you.  at times like that.

Finally, I read some our conversations and I just had to note the foreshadowing there.

Anyway I should sleep and will think some more later.