Arrghh…my head…so many thoughts…

¿Que? What is this? Why do I keep coming back here? I swear I'm over her so why do I feel this way?

Quite simply it's because it's certain actions you feel aggrieved by, also the lack of...hmm how shall I put this? Karma? Retribution? Hmm, it makes it sound like she deserves punishment and that she is evil but it's not the case at all. It's the whole she practically has this good thing going and you've got what? Nothing really, it seems like you're worse off.

I'm annoyed because...I stay guarded and I close up my emotions because it hurts when someone betrays you like that...but maybe it's because when you don't show any sort of emotion for so long...things feel forced...I...I...can't even laugh properly anymore...my sense of humour is shot.

Let me tell you a story, this guy does drugs and gets a buzz from it and keeps doing it because he enjoys that buzz, that buzz...that buzz he lives for but one day, suddenly that buzz doesn't feel the same any more, like the sensation has been dulled somewhat, that his body has adapted to it. So what does he do? He takes harder drugs to get that same buzz, that same rush that he felt earlier but the same problem arises and the cycle continues until it gets to the point where the body cannot take it anymore and just breaks down with the abuse.

Okay so you're saying that the things that used to give me satisfaction in the past doesn't now.

The Green-Eyed Monster

When you watch things from the outside you start to become envious of what people have. Even more so with people who are close to you and especially more so with people who used to be close with you.

After watching Fullmetal Alchemist I got to thinking about which of the seven deadly sins was I the most guilty of and at first I thought it was Greed with a bit of Envy mixed in but now I truly believe it is solely just Envy. Of all the other sins I can't really see me being that but Envy...maybe it's because...I want to be someone else...nah that's simplifying it too much as I'm happy with what I am but...there are certain traits I desire from people...I see them do what comes naturally to them and I wish I could do the same but I...just can't. Or at least it would just be a pale imitation and all.

It's not just traits I desire but what they have as well. Maybe I am being greedy but I want a "best" friend. I see extremely good friends go about and I make friends and I...don't know...............would I consider any of them my best friend? Would...any of my friends consider me their best friend? Maybe it's my personality and the way I'm just viewing things that makes it seem like that, after all I don't actually (or I don't think I do) get close to anyone really and while I'm friends with a lot of people I often think maybe the bond with some isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.

Hahahaha, I shouldn't even be getting jealous by these types of things but I get jealous over my friends a lot. It might not seem it but it happens especially when I see another person talking to my friends and attaching a stronger bond. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking Envy.

I envy how certain people can be all confident and go out the and do their business whereas I don't know, I'm not even sure about a single strength I have. Like I said I envy certain traits that my friends have.

And then we have couples...I hate couples...at least that's what I told myself...I hate the fact that they depend on each other so much that they inevitably end up hurting each other and the fact that due to emotions they can make such illogical decisions but I suppose the truth isn't that at all...the truth is a bit obvious now. The truth is that rather than pour my feelings on this sorry excuse for a blog, I'd rather be pouring it on someone who actually cares.

Yeah...talking to a "soul mate" who cares legitimately about your problems and loves you for you and would do anything for you while in turn I'd be willing to do the same back...but I guess that's the danger isn't it, building the perfect partner in your head that anyone that doesn't match up to the standards you've set for the perfect partner is automatically considered a "failure".

To finish this entry off I think of one more thing and one puzzle that mystifies me, something that I've been thinking about the last few days and that's my exes, how they seem...happy now...and yet that bothers me when it really shouldn't. I'll...have to think about that some more.

Sincerely, Jason

Ehh, too much negativity flying around and I really rather not have it at that if I’m honest so I figure I’m drawing a line under the saga as it’s just going to rumble on otherwise. Things were said on both sides but I’m just going to apologise and leave it at that.

Dear Megan

I can't say I'm surprised with how it turned out what with the pushing and pushing and her twisting and misconstruing everything I said but ho hum what happened happened. If she wants to take what I said as a belief that I support rape then to be honest I don't care as I expected her to believe something like despite not saying anything of the sort or even remotely similar but that's pretty much what it's been like knowing her, just a whole load of miscommunication and defensiveness on her part.

So she pretty much claims this is unfixable and I'll be honest, I don't care, I stopped caring straight after you tried to start yet ANOTHER fight with me. You can claim that you tried to end it by telling me to stop but how is that any different from me trying to end arguments by just saying "Nope, enough is enough, new topic" because that just makes you a hypocrite.

Now as I reflect on life I think you know something, life is good. I have an excellent job which has improved my positive disposition to life and how I view things. To be honest, you were just bringing me down with you depressiveness and negativity. Not an insult, just a fact. It's funny, I've been told plenty of times that I'm very very patient with other people even when I'm wasting my time so to hear you say that I have no patience with you is a laugh. A laugh I say. I put up with you for ages.

Ehh, I wouldn't even say "put up" as that would imply that I didn't really care for it but it seemed to do you good you venting with all your problems about your mother and your situations and all that so I didn't mind it even though there were times I didn't want to talk a out depressing stuff but nooo apparently I don't care about you at all and never have.

Right...uh huh, sure...so you're idea of me showing I care is for me to say "I care about you every 5 minutes"? Please don't make me laugh. I actually really do care about you though…

Anyway, so what have you learnt Jason? Quite simply that sometimes it's easy for people to just overlook things. It's funny, a situation occurred at work and the person was shot down instantly and they were aggrieved that their past actions counted for nothing and it got me thinking really. How people will blindly ignore previous deeds and actions in any situation. The most patient man in the world, I'd forgive him if he exploded once in a while because I'd know that that's not what he's usually like and that something else must be bothering him.

So I acted a little selfishly once in a while, I think given the amount of times that I have been extremely generous with people, I've earned that right. Of course you won't see it as that but I am an extremely generous guy.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for far too long about you when I should be focusing on happier things and that. I won't talk about you unless there's a change in situation but knowing you, I doubt that.

And I think the happy thing is that even though I was behind a screen and all, I didn't resort to wishing terrible things to you and that everything I said I would have said face to face.

Living locally

Living far away...here's a question, do you think that those who live the furthest gets to see the most real side of ourselves?

Why do I ponder this? Because it popped into my mind. I dislike...well, dislike is a strong word. I've no desire to really know the people that live near me because...while this may signify arrogance, it's because I don't believe they think on the same wavelength that I do I can say that I don't believe I'm better than them or anything but rather...different in ways.

I believe them to be concerned with things that I wouldn't be be and vice versa. Their attitude to life does not match my own and therefore getting along is...complex.

Anyhoo so yeah, why is it that the good people I meet always live far away from me...It's annoying to know that I can't just pop on a train or bus to see her but in this case a plane, eurgh, just my luck...

I guess there's nothing to do but enjoy what we have now and maybe in the future the situation will change for the better but as much as I'd love it to be one of my special powers, reading the future is not on my repertoire of skills.