Copious amounts of angst. You have been warned

I have a massive headache, I feel like throwing up, dizziness, and I feel awful just in general. I’m also struggling to breathe and I just feel like breaking down.

This was about one hour ago before I started this and then I had so many thoughts rushing to my head at even on the journey to the library, I’m feeling a little bit better as I’m typing this but that’s because I’m not directly thinking about my problems…I say “my” problems but I’m not convinced that it is all me.

I have been feeling this way for quite some time albeit not as bad as an hour ago. But as I stop to really think about things and I mean, really really think about things, I think…why?

Just why?

I actually wish I was ignorant and that because quite frankly things would be a lot easier if I didn’t have the sort of personality that I currently possess. It’s not as simple as saying, change it or something because it’s how I naturally think about things, okay then so why not change the way you think then? Again that isn’t so simple and it depresses me even further that I should have to.

Right now, or rather that hour ago, I felt so alone and in a sense I still do feel that way. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly explain this to some people as I do not feel they’d understand. It’s complicated to explain, I sometimes feel that I do not have a single true friend in the world and I suppose what I am looking for is a place where I fit in. Yes it sounds all…bleh and that but I don’t feel like I belong in this world or time because, the way I think and that is “wrong” and there’s no place for people like me here.

Maybe it’s the location that I live in or the society and their views but I just feel that I want to be a sort of free thinking individual and in some ways I consider myself that, I do not refer to the person that rejects mainstream media just because they are mainstream or rebels just for the sake of doing it but the way I think is that, I want to think however I choose to think, I want to live however I choose to live, you only get just the one life and quite frankly and the end of everything it’s all for nothing so the question I ask myself every time I think like that is, ‘If it is all for nothing and that after you die, you cease to exist, then why do you want to live the way you want to? Why live in the first place?’ And to be honest, I often do think about the point of living, I contemplate it so often that I have entertained thoughts of ending it all and I think why does it matter? I’ve stood at the window of my flat and daydreamed about falling 14 storeys onto the cold hard pavement. I thought about just stopping in the middle of the road in the path of an oncoming truck or bus and just letting it ram right into me, I’ve thought about jumping onto the path of a train…but the thing is, I don’t really want to die and at the same time I don’t really care about living…not in the way society wants people to live.

Society has this idea that what happens is you’re born, you go to school, you work, you die or something along those lines and that well, let’s be honest there is a sort of negative view about people who deviate from that. Me, I get annoyed when people expect me to think in a certain way and then try and label me as weird if I don’t think the way that “should” be thought. Take family for instance, why is it that people are so insistent that there is something wrong with not liking your family and that…Ugh, that probably came out wrong, but it’s stuff like family values and things like that that just bother me, no I have no intention of wanting to visit family members if I don’t want to do such a think and yet I recall when my uncle berated me for not visiting more often. And even Emily who tells me how it’ll be sad that she’ll never really get to meet them, I sometimes just think, why would you want to? They are nothing special, if anything, she has it quite easy as I’ve heard of relationships where it’s basically stated that if you want the person you get other aspects of them such as their family, friends, work, lifestyle etc and that they come as part of a set which cannot be separated, whereas with her and me, she just gets me…just a shame that ‘me’ is a massive screw up and is just a massive anomaly in this world we call life. Okay life is stretching it a bit but at least in society.

Also work, actually it was because I was…looking for a job that I felt it all get on top of me and I thought that all this just seems extremely overwhelming and what do I even do? Even looking for information on things was just to overwhelming for me and I thought why does it seem that way to me? Why does it seem to me that everyone I know seems to know what happens in life? Why is that everyone seems to have a guidebook telling them what to do at times and stuff and then when they tell me stuff it’s as if I should know this already when in fact there is little to no reason (I feel) that I should have even known this in the first place, it’s as if there are people who know what’s going on and then there’s me, I must have missed that day when they were handing those guidebooks to life out because I sure as hell never know what’s going on at times.

It reminds me of a recurring theme in my dreams (most usually takes place in Mary Hare) in that there’s always something going on that everyone but me seems to know about such as an exam. So I spend my time in the dream only just finding out that I have an exam for a subject and I have learned nothing. It’s not as if I do not know the subject and that it’s too hard for me but to use an analogy it feels as if I have changed subject and have switched to a new subject to study one week before the exam starts.

I guess that’s how I feel about life, everyone is clued into how the game is played while I’m busy doing something else and then questioning why the game should be played like that in the first place. I suppose you could say that it’s my fault for not paying attention and all that…but then I that solves nothing, it puts the blame squarely on my feet and says if you don’t know what’s going on then tough, and proceeds to just abandon me. Now, I don’t want to be a part of society that tells me how I should feel and think about stuff…Actually I think I’m largely straying from my point, my point is that it frustrates me when people assume that others should want to get a job, when to be honest I don’t really want to but feel that I need to get one which makes perfect sense to me probably not to anybody else if anybody is reading this but that’s okay because the whole point of this blog was to talk to myself and get my thoughts out where I could see them, I said this already. Anyway, sure I would like one, I’d be nice to get extra cash seeing how cash is pointlessly needed to continue living.

Now, some would call it laziness and then treat it as if it’s a bad thing but to be honest not necessarily, I feel that when it comes to living, I don’t need the fancy stuff, I don’t need to have such a lavish lifestyle, it makes sense to me in a weird but understandable way but I am content with what I have and that I’ll make use of the tools that I have with me, if I can’t have the best looking and most shiniest tool then so be it, I will just continue to get use out of the tool that I currently have. The problem comes when society forces you to get the better tool…I swear I’ve said something similar to this but meh. Anyway society to me feels as if it forces you to play keep up and forces you to buy the shiniest gold tool because the price of the tool that you are currently using is now going up and there are no better alternatives.

Anyway I’ve kinda lost steam here after getting distracted by…stuff and I’ll probably finish this off whenever the feeling hits me again, until then.

Some thoughts and Dream Journal 3.5

Okay, seeing as it's summer, this month will probably be a write off and that I'll hardly update it this month for reasons like I can't be arsed to do it, but I did think of something while I was lying in the dark, listening to Bass Head Jazz by Cee-Lo Green (writing this on my phone too) and that was why I didn't really update things as often and I believe it's because right now in my world I'm kind of happy...well I say kind of but I'd say I'm feeling happy and when I'm happy I don't think about things as much and that I just drift and float along with things.

But right now I have a chance to reflect on things. I was talking about my knee with Emily earlier today and I mentioned how I might have not been so worried about it and that it was a relief for me to actually be injured and in some ways that is true as I used to believe and even felt like I could do anything with my body and just push it through barriers if you will because the way my body operated. I have never broken a bone, my metabolism has been satisfactory and apart from food poisoning which I recovered from very quickly I have never really suffered from a major illness so I've never really had to be careful with these things. But when I got the call from my physiotherapist about my recent MRI scan confirming that I had a large tear in my meniscus it...well, just gave me mixed emotions as finally I could get a decent rest and all but at the same time I'm worried that I'll never be back to the person I was before it started in the first place.

I did think it was slightly amusing though that for me personally I didn't really perform to the best of my ability and that I was playing with one metaphorical hand behind my back and I still managed to play at a decent level, so I'm comforted by the fact that if it ever does get sorted out then I could potentially go back to being just unstoppable and comfortable with my movement rather than fearing that moving in a certain way will cause my knee to lock or whatever as it wasn't a comfortable feeling. I reflected also on the fact that it has been 2 years and a bit since the first incident happened and I couldn't help worrying if I made it worse and that I should have sorted it out earlier but the more I think about it, the more I think that nothing really could be done about it despite people's insistence that I do something about it as the GP cannot feel what I feel despite being useless and not referring me to an actual physiotherapist until I kept complaining. Okay maybe I'm being a bit harsh but it really did annoy me when I tried to explain that it cannot be fobbed with painkillers and a elastic knee protector when playing football because it would occur at anytime, heck, the last time it happened was because I was sitting down on a bench. Another time was when I was laying down on my stomach and was getting up to stand up and another time was when my leg was bent for too long. What was I supposed to do? Wear it for the rest of my life? Gah!

Anyway, I suppose I should think of some positive stuff at the moment and that is that I shall be visiting my soulmate's house for around week tomorrow, but I have today to get through and that will be spent doing things so the good thing is that there won't be the usual 'long and protracted' night before the event as I'll be doing things so hopefully by the end of the day I'll actually be too tired to stay awake and will actually sleep at a reasonable time but this always happens at times like this. I really should head off to sleep right about now as I have to get up to go and look after Jaden so I should set an alarm but I think I'm going to just see what happens and rely on my body clock waking me up at a decent time. In the meantime I hope I have another one of my crazy dreams, last night I dreamt I was playing a football match against the current Brazilian team in Hargrave Park inside the building this time and afterwards we had a massive BBQ (also in the building) where lots of different types of meat were available for the eating (a vegetarian's nightmare) and I was busy trying to find 'good' pieces of sausages, burgers, bacon etc to put onto my bun (Emily, you should think of when you choose which pieces of chips to eat) and I could find very few, after acquiring some meat for my buns I poured ketchup and just as I was about to insert all that fat into my body, I wake up...never get to eat food in my dreams. Ah well.

Songs I listened to while writing this post.

Bass Head Jazz- Cee-Lo
Dancing In The Dark- Solange
I'd Wait For Life- Take That
Robocop- Kanye West
Cry Me A River- Justin Timberlake
Love Somebody- Ace Hood ft Jeremih
So Far To Go- Common ft D'Angelo
Cosmic Journey- Solange ft Bilal
Busted- Isley Brothers ft R Kelly, JS
Why Does She Stay- Ne-Yo
Trouble- Coldplay

June 2010 roundup

Well, July has arrived and the hot weather continues and due to the World Cup not much really got done during June except for some arguments but everything ended up being resolved.

Started off the month though by spending time at Emily’s place which are just the highlights of my life really and will be looking forward to my next visit. The time we get to see each other as we’ve discussed has pros and cons and we’ve kind of had to just put up with it as that’s the situation that we are in. I am relaxed about it seeing as I know that we have a lifetime together and that the lack of time we get to be together at the moment will only serve to make the actual moment of when we do finally get to live together all the more sweeter.

Ahh, books, now see, have really slowed this down for a bit although I’m reading Death Note, I read that in a different way than I would do the books borrowed from libraries and others so it’s a different amount of energy I have to put into reading that coupled with the fact that there’s no pressure or time limit for me to read it as now I finally own all of the manga in the series. As for the books I have read this month, those would be Mort, Small Gods, Hogfather and started on Soul Music but haven’t gotten round to resuming it as of yet but I hope to as I really need to get onto Shutter Island before I reach the maximum times I can renew it.

DVDs and films are boiled down to just Ghost Town (which I saw at Emily’s), Futurama Season 2 Episodes 6-19, Bolt and Tenchi Muyo Episode 6-9.

Not exactly been much in comparison to previous months but I have the football to thank for that, not that I wouldn’t want to watch it, only comes round every 4 years and this is the only one where I actually have the time to watch every single match as previous World Cups were during school time so it wouldn’t have been practical.

Still, nothing really exciting going in on in my life just taking it a day at a time and this time next year I hope to be actually doing something of note, still that’s a while off, for now, I’m just going to take advantage of the time given to me at the moment.

No, I do not require cheese to go with this whine thank you very much

Well now, England have been knocked out of the World Cup, that’s good, I shalln’t go on about this as I’m just sitting in the back while soaking in a lot of people’s overreactions, delusions of grandeur and realistic views on this and anyway, I quite frankly have bigger things on my mind.

Now, this is going to come across as very whiny and in some respects maybe it is but whatever and all that.

Today I had a massive blow to my confidence and self esteem somewhat and it hurts me. Maybe seeing a shrink or someone would actually be the best solution for myself or something because I don’t know know. Some things I’m sure about and others I am not so sure of. The reason why I feel like I like to read up about things such as MBTI tests and the likes I think is because of the…“answers” it provides for me. Uncertainty is something that I don’t enjoy and as was my personal message on MSN messenger for a while, I eschew obfuscation. I think I might have said earlier about how this whole MBTI thing and for me I think that it is my coping mechanism in that it explains so many things to me and answers a lot of questions about who I am. It’s a bit like people believing in god, it is their way of dealing with that uncertainty.

As far as I’m concerned there profile of an INTP describes me a lot, using my experiences, my upbringing and my personality, it answers so much for me and it really made me happy that there was a reasonable and very good explanation as to why I was such a fuck up but bad in the way that it confirmed to me that yes, I was a bit of a fuck up at least in a lot of people’s eyes.

My Sunshine

Strange isn’t it?

What’s strange? I don’t know but it seemed like something you’d start one of these things with, I wasn’t actually what was strange. I could have said it was strange the instances that we met it how it was strange how were alike or whatever but I didn’t. In fact I’m not even sure what I’m even trying to achieve with this post and all but I just finished one earlier and just decided on a whim to do this.

Right now at the time at this time it is…err…let’s just call this, very late and you are asleep having gone to sleep annoyed at me. Maybe you calmed down a bit just before going to sleep but I cannot tell due to the fact that I cannot see body language and tone of voice in text but what can you do?

You didn’t want to hear what I think and I’m sorry so I guess it’s just given me something to mull over and to write down on here especially considering that I haven’t really wrote much in my blog recently (always seems to pick up around the end of the month and the start of the next but then go missing in action during the middle).

I don’t know about things but I like to speculate and imagine stuff. I have no idea where I’m going with this seeing as I’m tired and I’m probably going to sleep very soon so I’m going to just get down as much as I can and I keep forgetting the purpose of these blogs and that was to talk to myself about things but right now I feel I have been talking to you. I’m going to stop that right after the end of this paragraph as if I wanted to talk to you like this I would have done it in a text or on Facebook or something of some sort. Right now I need to talk to me about you.

“So, Emily huh”
“Yep indeed.”
”Remember that time and then after which you said that you’d do anything for her happiness, do you think you’ve done that? Do you think that you’ve made her happy whenever you could?”
“Maybe sometimes I have and sometimes I haven’t. I do try and achieve just that”
“ I know you do but personally I think it’s hard you know? She doesn’t get to see you very much and no doubt that fact is harder for her than it is for you”
“Yeah, something I’d do well to never forget”
“And it doesn’t really help that you have a natural tendency to absolve yourself from blame and you are a bit resistant to change in some ways…You tell yourself that your…"flaws" are just character traits, things that you naturally do and it’s because of that I think it’s harder at times.”

Didn’t you read about INTPs and how things that might be so blatantly obvious to you that it just feels redundant to say it at all. I’m glad you’ve improved that certain side of you as yes, it might seem so obvious that you love her and that yes, you do think she is beautiful despite her attempts to put herself down but like you were just thinking a moment before you typed this sentence, the way your brain works and the way that you view the world isn’t the same line of thinking as others and hence while it might feel…weird and redundant to say something sometimes others might not know what you’re thinking and sometimes even go as far to think the complete opposite (sometimes your actions contribute to this as well), tell her that you think she is gorgeous more often, let her know that you do care what she is doing at the moment, tell him that he’s an utter and quite frankly despicable bastard and you loathe their guts and believe them to be superficial…ok maybe not the last one so much but yeah it is obvious about these matters but sometimes it is only obvious to you and to be honest it can make you seem a bit…nope I don’t have the word but I’m sure something'll turn up sooner or later.

So anyway when you wake up tomor- today in about 7 hours time, just remember to stay calm and be patient, it’ll benefit you in the long run after all, who else would put up with your character and I’m not going to leave that as a rhetorical question and I’m going to answer it right now. The answer is no-one.

What to think about

So what is going on in my life right now? What’s occupying your mind right now hmm? I suppose it is a good thing you haven’t really wrote much recently on here as it can only mean that you’re occupying yourself with things so you haven’t really had time to just sit down and think and think deeply about life and what it really is all about, heck I’ve been so busy with things that I still haven’t really gotten round to reading the books that I have from the library and Soul Music is due on Monday unfortunately so I guess that’s another book renewing if it hasn’t already been reserved.

Nothing seems to be sticking into my mind at the moment, maybe it’s due to the World Cup but I suppose I haven’t really had time to think about life matters and think introspectively about why humans are such an annoyance to me and let it get me down despite being on forums where the most obnoxious of individuals lie. I suppose I like to hear other people’s views on certain matters but at the same time I don’t actually care and why should I? As long as I’m certain of my view then why does it matter what others think, however there is a difference between just being stubborn and sticking to your own beliefs. There’s no reason not to consider all the options and then to use that to form the basis of your opinion or change of it in fact sometimes some people are just so resistant to change that it then can sometimes becomes a problem.

I probably should head to sleep seeing as I cannot think straight and just stick to anything, I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a bit hyped up over the Ghana win and the last episode of the series in Doctor Who which made me want more but I really was in a good mood and for a bit nothing really mattered, there were things to look forward to, events to anticipate and that is a feeling quite like no other and I think when I have that feeling I like to be around others seeing as I’ll be happy and better make the most of it before…before…before I come crashing down.

And so it begins…

After four years since the last World Cup this one begins with quite a cracking game between South Africa and Mexico with both of them sharing the points in a 1-1 draw, it was a pretty good starting match though I suspect they’ll be better opening matches later on and France was definitely not one of them with their 0-0 draw against Uruguay.

France was absolute crap in that match, no denying that they have good players but Ribery and Anelka lost possession so many times trying to take on too much and dribble rather than go for for the easier option. The line-up was a bit weird and the 4-5-1 formation clearly did not work, so why the manager persisted with the tactics for so long was a mystery (though we’re talking about a manager that uses astrology to choose his players, sooo…) and should have changed it about or made a substitution to switch the play up a bit. I hope France do better next match but it doesn’t help when there’s so much conflict within the camp.

Tonight Argentina play Nigeria and after that England play USA so there’s two games to look forward to, just hope it doesn’t turn out to be an anticlimactic affair.