Well now, England have been knocked out of the World Cup, that’s good, I shalln’t go on about this as I’m just sitting in the back while soaking in a lot of people’s overreactions, delusions of grandeur and realistic views on this and anyway, I quite frankly have bigger things on my mind.
Now, this is going to come across as very whiny and in some respects maybe it is but whatever and all that.
Today I had a massive blow to my confidence and self esteem somewhat and it hurts me. Maybe seeing a shrink or someone would actually be the best solution for myself or something because I don’t know know. Some things I’m sure about and others I am not so sure of. The reason why I feel like I like to read up about things such as MBTI tests and the likes I think is because of the…“answers” it provides for me. Uncertainty is something that I don’t enjoy and as was my personal message on MSN messenger for a while, I eschew obfuscation. I think I might have said earlier about how this whole MBTI thing and for me I think that it is my coping mechanism in that it explains so many things to me and answers a lot of questions about who I am. It’s a bit like people believing in god, it is their way of dealing with that uncertainty.
As far as I’m concerned there profile of an INTP describes me a lot, using my experiences, my upbringing and my personality, it answers so much for me and it really made me happy that there was a reasonable and very good explanation as to why I was such a fuck up but bad in the way that it confirmed to me that yes, I was a bit of a fuck up at least in a lot of people’s eyes.
Now generalisation has popped into my head and I think that to say that the description of the INTP types is generalising is largely missing the point or about the MBTI in the first place, it’s about perception. I am not saying that it shall explain a persons every action or that it will say that at this situation these people will do this as everything is subjective but it has explained a lot of how I’ve felt at certain times and stuff.
Me, I think for me to be the way that I am is bad in a lot of people’s eyes and the more I read up about this stuff the more I feel that it gives me something to hold onto in some ways.
I’ll stop blabbering and get straight to the point now because I feel like I’m doing that.
Now I know that Emily sees them as excuses and I don’t know what to say to this but I feel it is more of an explanation and a way of understanding my behaviour at times, things can always change, for some people this is easy or others not so easy. it does give a guideline as to wait certain natural tendencies are, it will not apply to everyone but I know when I feel that one applies to me. I’m supposed to be interested computer software and programming but that stuff bores me, what I will say is that I am interested in how certain things work hence my interest in psychology and love to hear about theories and ideas and will gladly share my views with anyone who I feel really wants to hear.
The bad thing about it for some is that I can tend to analysis every little thing and I do understand that it is to the displeasure of some people and that I can become fixated on an idea and that like a steamroller it takes time to gather momentum and then once going it can be very difficult to stop. I love it when people want to genuinely what to hear my views on things and are prepared to contribute with their own ideas and perspective, the problem is that when someone doesn’t want to hear my views or just ridicules and rubbishes my views then it knocks a lot of wind out of my sails hence my reluctance to state my views on things.
Selfish, probably, I like being heard and people listening to me and actually showing interest in the words I speak…as I type that I think of the times I have been around friends I know be it by going to their house or by meeting blasts from the pasts, I find that I will just go on and on and just talk and even when I’m talking I’m realising how much I am just talking and it is usually at those moments when I just trail off and stop, highlighted even more so when the person I was talking to doesn’t respond in a very…how should I put it? An encouraging way then I get the feeling that I shouldn't have said anything and that I mat as well have kept my mouth shut.
I noticed it today when I was talking to Eamon and he asked what I thought about some of the football and some players and I went on for quite a bit but yet I was encouraged to keep going as he put his own views at times and I did as well. Someone like Lee however, I am always confused, sometimes I just go on and on about something and then when I stop, his face and reaction is blank which then I think to myself did he even listen to what I said? No, maybe he just didn’t care, in fact I don’t remember him asking me about it in the first place and then I just go back to saying nothing.
My self-esteem and confidence in myself is I believe not solid and fluctuates wildly at times to times, sometimes I will have high self-esteem and will believe in myself and the words I’m saying but it’s pretty easy at other times to make me doubt myself and the things I stand for. It doesn’t help when certain people admit that they kind of tune me out when I do starting talk and just…go along with what I say because it doesn’t show to me that my words have been taken in that time.
This was evident whenever I played football in school and a bit after school. I think maybe because the way I saw football, it wasn’t that I was a bad loser or that I wanted to win at all costs but rather I’m quite the logical person and like to believe that if people played smarter rather than harder things would be a lot more efficient. Pick the pass rather than attempting to shoot for oneself or when you cannot go forward pass it backwards and this reflects in a lot of things I do. Mistakes are things I can handle, everyone makes mistakes, but I never understood why people could be so illogical at times and it really frustrated me. Nowadays I am more aware of certain things and have changed my view due to experiences and so forth in that I don’t get angry often when I play football. Yes I do get frustrated at certain events but now I genuinely believe that people are taking what they think the best option to be and that they are intending to do what will benefit the team.
I can also apply this to life experiences to but I won’t as I see that I’ve talked for quite a while actually in this post.
I think another of my “weaknesses” is that I am not really good at letting things go and that I can hold onto things far longer than necessary and others I can just drop things altogether just like that.
Today I upset Emily and she upset me, I genuinely felt that when she told me that she didn’t want to hear what I’ve got to say that I was punched in the stomach and was winded so I couldn’t bring myself to speak about certain things as I felt that she wouldn’t care and that she doesn’t want to hear it. I wondered if she would want to ask me about my opinion on something or what was on my mind but I didn’t get it until way late into the day about 3 hours ago when I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling good.
Maybe it was the hot weather and maybe it did bother her a bit and that I was making things worse, it upset me that I genuinely felt useless when I asked something and she replied that she wouldn't tell me because she felt she was repeating myself and she was getting annoyed with me for it. I doubt she was more annoyed at me than I was at myself for my failure to take things in. Not only this but I was told to read a few texts ago I felt extremely sick, why? Because I was stressed out that she was angry at me and that took a massive knock on me.
I tried hard and hard to forget it and just to move on when I started texting again and it was eating at me that before I could do no wrong and now flaws and cracks about about me were showing up everywhere and now suddenly to her I wasn’t so perfect after all.
I’ve gone on for far too long here so I’ll stop but what I will say is that, to everyone as they grow older and meet new acquaintances and friends, you’ll meet people that seem to just get on well with everyone, people that act like the mentor and that they are just someone to look up to, you’ll meet all sorts in the journey of life but no matter what there’s always that one person that just annoys you with everything they do. It starts off small but then you realise that their flaws become more and more and more apparent to you and the way the speak becomes annoying, their views to things becomes annoying and then just their general presence starts becoming extremely irritating and that you cannot really stand being around that person.
I’ve never liked these people but now I fear I’ve become that person to everyone I’ve met including my own family.
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