I have a massive headache, I feel like throwing up, dizziness, and I feel awful just in general. I’m also struggling to breathe and I just feel like breaking down.
This was about one hour ago before I started this and then I had so many thoughts rushing to my head at even on the journey to the library, I’m feeling a little bit better as I’m typing this but that’s because I’m not directly thinking about my problems…I say “my” problems but I’m not convinced that it is all me.
I have been feeling this way for quite some time albeit not as bad as an hour ago. But as I stop to really think about things and I mean, really really think about things, I think…why?
Just why?
I actually wish I was ignorant and that because quite frankly things would be a lot easier if I didn’t have the sort of personality that I currently possess. It’s not as simple as saying, change it or something because it’s how I naturally think about things, okay then so why not change the way you think then? Again that isn’t so simple and it depresses me even further that I should have to.
Right now, or rather that hour ago, I felt so alone and in a sense I still do feel that way. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly explain this to some people as I do not feel they’d understand. It’s complicated to explain, I sometimes feel that I do not have a single true friend in the world and I suppose what I am looking for is a place where I fit in. Yes it sounds all…bleh and that but I don’t feel like I belong in this world or time because, the way I think and that is “wrong” and there’s no place for people like me here.
Maybe it’s the location that I live in or the society and their views but I just feel that I want to be a sort of free thinking individual and in some ways I consider myself that, I do not refer to the person that rejects mainstream media just because they are mainstream or rebels just for the sake of doing it but the way I think is that, I want to think however I choose to think, I want to live however I choose to live, you only get just the one life and quite frankly and the end of everything it’s all for nothing so the question I ask myself every time I think like that is, ‘If it is all for nothing and that after you die, you cease to exist, then why do you want to live the way you want to? Why live in the first place?’ And to be honest, I often do think about the point of living, I contemplate it so often that I have entertained thoughts of ending it all and I think why does it matter? I’ve stood at the window of my flat and daydreamed about falling 14 storeys onto the cold hard pavement. I thought about just stopping in the middle of the road in the path of an oncoming truck or bus and just letting it ram right into me, I’ve thought about jumping onto the path of a train…but the thing is, I don’t really want to die and at the same time I don’t really care about living…not in the way society wants people to live.
Society has this idea that what happens is you’re born, you go to school, you work, you die or something along those lines and that well, let’s be honest there is a sort of negative view about people who deviate from that. Me, I get annoyed when people expect me to think in a certain way and then try and label me as weird if I don’t think the way that “should” be thought. Take family for instance, why is it that people are so insistent that there is something wrong with not liking your family and that…Ugh, that probably came out wrong, but it’s stuff like family values and things like that that just bother me, no I have no intention of wanting to visit family members if I don’t want to do such a think and yet I recall when my uncle berated me for not visiting more often. And even Emily who tells me how it’ll be sad that she’ll never really get to meet them, I sometimes just think, why would you want to? They are nothing special, if anything, she has it quite easy as I’ve heard of relationships where it’s basically stated that if you want the person you get other aspects of them such as their family, friends, work, lifestyle etc and that they come as part of a set which cannot be separated, whereas with her and me, she just gets me…just a shame that ‘me’ is a massive screw up and is just a massive anomaly in this world we call life. Okay life is stretching it a bit but at least in society.
Also work, actually it was because I was…looking for a job that I felt it all get on top of me and I thought that all this just seems extremely overwhelming and what do I even do? Even looking for information on things was just to overwhelming for me and I thought why does it seem that way to me? Why does it seem to me that everyone I know seems to know what happens in life? Why is that everyone seems to have a guidebook telling them what to do at times and stuff and then when they tell me stuff it’s as if I should know this already when in fact there is little to no reason (I feel) that I should have even known this in the first place, it’s as if there are people who know what’s going on and then there’s me, I must have missed that day when they were handing those guidebooks to life out because I sure as hell never know what’s going on at times.
It reminds me of a recurring theme in my dreams (most usually takes place in Mary Hare) in that there’s always something going on that everyone but me seems to know about such as an exam. So I spend my time in the dream only just finding out that I have an exam for a subject and I have learned nothing. It’s not as if I do not know the subject and that it’s too hard for me but to use an analogy it feels as if I have changed subject and have switched to a new subject to study one week before the exam starts.
I guess that’s how I feel about life, everyone is clued into how the game is played while I’m busy doing something else and then questioning why the game should be played like that in the first place. I suppose you could say that it’s my fault for not paying attention and all that…but then I that solves nothing, it puts the blame squarely on my feet and says if you don’t know what’s going on then tough, and proceeds to just abandon me. Now, I don’t want to be a part of society that tells me how I should feel and think about stuff…Actually I think I’m largely straying from my point, my point is that it frustrates me when people assume that others should want to get a job, when to be honest I don’t really want to but feel that I need to get one which makes perfect sense to me probably not to anybody else if anybody is reading this but that’s okay because the whole point of this blog was to talk to myself and get my thoughts out where I could see them, I said this already. Anyway, sure I would like one, I’d be nice to get extra cash seeing how cash is pointlessly needed to continue living.
Now, some would call it laziness and then treat it as if it’s a bad thing but to be honest not necessarily, I feel that when it comes to living, I don’t need the fancy stuff, I don’t need to have such a lavish lifestyle, it makes sense to me in a weird but understandable way but I am content with what I have and that I’ll make use of the tools that I have with me, if I can’t have the best looking and most shiniest tool then so be it, I will just continue to get use out of the tool that I currently have. The problem comes when society forces you to get the better tool…I swear I’ve said something similar to this but meh. Anyway society to me feels as if it forces you to play keep up and forces you to buy the shiniest gold tool because the price of the tool that you are currently using is now going up and there are no better alternatives.
Anyway I’ve kinda lost steam here after getting distracted by…stuff and I’ll probably finish this off whenever the feeling hits me again, until then.
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