It was a long time ago. Never gave it much thought until recently, the taunts didn't bother me, they weren't directed at myself but towards another. I was merely curious, curious as to the inner workings of their minds. The taunts may or maybe not have been accurate but that wasn't what I was intrigued by.
That was the first occurrence, I dismiss it as it was just kids being kids, there wasn't a deeper meaning to it, why should there have been?
As time went on, I had entered a new school in a new city where bonds had already been made and so I was entering an environment where the thing they had in common, the fact everyone had come in together, I could not hope to replicate. I was frozen, shy and retracted in my shell for protection. I was...alone.
Now, you don't get another chance to make a first impression and some of the impressions I had on people were...interesting. They looked like they were however later on I would know that it was not the case and that their looks didn’t mean anything other than what I had possibly wanted them to be…I do not know. I had misread things, I was merely curious and intrigued and I don’t believe I gave it much thought at the time.
As we grew older and friendships developed and we were comfortable with each other and I was effectively a part of the group that I feared I would not get in, peer pressure began to show its shady face. I had not expressed any real interest and any interest I did show I don’t think I actually honestly felt it and that I was merely just appeasing the unwanted audience who made their remarks and it got to me at times.
During these years I would go inside the basement to use the television that was available to use for the Playstation I had brought along and more often than not I would be joined by another. I would share the fun times with another. Playing the games with another was a fun time-wasting activity that I do not regret no matter how often…those thoughts appeared in my head.
I had almost slipped once, I had stared for what seemed an eternity at the lips fantasizing and imagining what it would be like, imagining how feelings would be reciprocated and that it would be our secret…I’m glad I had so much willpower and understanding that I didn’t go through with it. I like to think at times however that if I had then things might have been a bit easier. As I broke away my glance I adjusted my posture to disguise my feelings and continued playing Final Fantasy IX while they watched only to join in the battle scenes…or perhaps it was Pro Evolution Soccer, I do not know as it is irrelevant what it was, all that I remember was how I felt at that time.
The rest of my time there passed without incident I think. I had too many preoccupations that I do not remember anything similar.
So now this point in my life normal business resumes. I am happy...no content with my feelings and as always there will be things that I can't have but...in what walk of life is that statement not true.
This isn't really something a lot of people know about and I suppose even after this, people still won't really know all about me but that's okay there's no need to reveal everything about me as far as I am concerned it is a nothing issue. I am still the same person.
Oh sure some may say that it's not being truthful but I disagree. If they ask, perhaps I will tell the truth...perhaps. I see no reason to lie, nor have I actually lied about anything but what I do know is that certain people might not be happy while others just would not care.
I've always tried to be...somewhat respectful of people and I am a very understanding and easy going person and yet it still puzzles me why others cannot do the same. Why others are caught in a particular paradigm which......clearly isn't right for want of a better word.
I meet like minded people, people who are somewhat similar and people who aren't the same yet we share the same common interest and I feel better, comfortable somewhat. People who are in a similar position and then I act strong but really...I don't think I am, going against what is expected is still far too much of a problem for friends...for family...for society yet one day, I will have to open that door in sight of people, whether willingly or unwillingly.
Heh...it's been a while since I thought about all of this. I'm grateful for the fact we cannot read minds and that all the time we were on the console he didn't know what I was thinking.
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