Ahh a week and a day, well it's still not bad. I just had to get my thoughts right for this month. I had to know what my target was for this month and it's been sorted.
But this entry isn't about that, this entry is about so called friends. I am...or rather I was at a point where I was just feeling so low and it was worrying. It is the reason why I didn't update for a week. Yes yes I am aware that this online journal is to record my deepest and darkest feelings but I just couldn't...for a while, I needed to compose myself.
So while the barbs of this entry may not be as...stinging as I might have been had I done this a week ago but...there is not much I can do about that.
I wonder why I have all these "friends" and yet...they do not wish or even attempt to speak to me...it feels like I'm making all the effort to make this friendship work, like I'm the one asking you how you are and enquiring about your day and being there for you and when it comes to reciprocating I get...less than...it is a two way relationship and nothing is going my way from you.
I...............don't mind if you do not wish to be friends but...I would appreciate it if you didn't just toy with me like that. Like I am to be at your beck and call, I will not do this at all for you. I refuse to.
You show little to no interest in myself or my life, you don't even say hi every now and again...how hard is it to do that? It's disheartening, all the times we talked and if I suddenly went missing for a week would you even notice? Am that much of a hindrance to you that you don't even want to know me? Will I cease to exist in your world if I never tried to keep talking to you?......Is that what you want? Or did you never want me to exist in your world in the first place?
While I do not wish to be ungrateful for the friendship and more you have given me along the way but it might have been better for all parties if we just had never bothered in the first place.
Talking to me simply when......no, only when you are bored is an insult, one that I will tolerate no longer.
There was a moment when I was filled with extreme anxiety and I needed to hear from someone...anyone...I needed to know that someone cared...and yet nothing...I waited and waited...even after the feeling had dissipated I still waited and yet...nothing. You all let me down. It wasn't as if we had not spoken in quite some time, it was very recently.
Now, this isn't directed at all my friends as there are a few that this is NOT relevant too as they I know are loyal and I have absolutely hold no malice towards them...I probably should have stated that at the start before I had even started this.
Before I finish this entry I am reminded of two things relevant to this particular entry. The first was my time at Mary Hare or to be more specific it was the first time I started there and was thrust into a world where things were new to me. A world where I was not part of the minority accepted by the majority, I was actually part of the majority which was hardly surprising seeing as it was a deaf school.
I bring this up because I was new to the place and I suppose I was scared and I didn’t know what would happen, I didn’t know how to handle it, how to handle people who were…worse off than me and people who had reacted to their own deafness in a different way.
Anyway I was pretty much by myself and I stuck to myself and would continue to do so but certain people helped me through that, they helped me get over my shyness and it allowed me to integrate with the society a lot better so therefore these people do actually get a pass.
The second thing I’m reminded about is all those times where I’ve had to go to places like certain people’s parties, some trips to Millets or whatnot or where I’ve had to go to a restaurant which I didn’t really want to go to…anyway, I bring this up because these are times where I’ve had to go…hmm, “had” makes it sound like I was forced but I suppose it is there for want of a better word. These times where I didn’t really want to be there, where it just wasn’t my thing at all and yet I was there because of someone or another. I think of the times where I want to go someplace or do something but it never materialises because they just don’t want to go for a variety of reasons and I think…I don’t want to force you but this is bullshit. I’d do quite a lot for my friends but when that isn’t returned it hurts.
Well, I lost steam quite a bit there but…yeah…recurring habit…
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