When you watch things from the outside you start to become envious of what people have. Even more so with people who are close to you and especially more so with people who used to be close with you.
After watching Fullmetal Alchemist I got to thinking about which of the seven deadly sins was I the most guilty of and at first I thought it was Greed with a bit of Envy mixed in but now I truly believe it is solely just Envy. Of all the other sins I can't really see me being that but Envy...maybe it's because...I want to be someone else...nah that's simplifying it too much as I'm happy with what I am but...there are certain traits I desire from people...I see them do what comes naturally to them and I wish I could do the same but I...just can't. Or at least it would just be a pale imitation and all.
It's not just traits I desire but what they have as well. Maybe I am being greedy but I want a "best" friend. I see extremely good friends go about and I make friends and I...don't know...............would I consider any of them my best friend? Would...any of my friends consider me their best friend? Maybe it's my personality and the way I'm just viewing things that makes it seem like that, after all I don't actually (or I don't think I do) get close to anyone really and while I'm friends with a lot of people I often think maybe the bond with some isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.
Hahahaha, I shouldn't even be getting jealous by these types of things but I get jealous over my friends a lot. It might not seem it but it happens especially when I see another person talking to my friends and attaching a stronger bond. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking Envy.
I envy how certain people can be all confident and go out the and do their business whereas I don't know, I'm not even sure about a single strength I have. Like I said I envy certain traits that my friends have.
And then we have couples...I hate couples...at least that's what I told myself...I hate the fact that they depend on each other so much that they inevitably end up hurting each other and the fact that due to emotions they can make such illogical decisions but I suppose the truth isn't that at all...the truth is a bit obvious now. The truth is that rather than pour my feelings on this sorry excuse for a blog, I'd rather be pouring it on someone who actually cares.
Yeah...talking to a "soul mate" who cares legitimately about your problems and loves you for you and would do anything for you while in turn I'd be willing to do the same back...but I guess that's the danger isn't it, building the perfect partner in your head that anyone that doesn't match up to the standards you've set for the perfect partner is automatically considered a "failure".
To finish this entry off I think of one more thing and one puzzle that mystifies me, something that I've been thinking about the last few days and that's my exes, how they seem...happy now...and yet that bothers me when it really shouldn't. I'll...have to think about that some more.
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