How does the lone wolf operate? Well basically they’ll leave the pack when they’re a cub or whatnot and just fend for themselves. They’re a lot stronger than pack wolves due to their solidarity but there are some things you just cannot do on your own.
I suppose the whole point of this particular thought was to ponder why I felt so alone at times. I’m writing this on the 3rd November 2009 and it’s a pretty wet and gloomy Tuesday morning 11:54 to be precise.
So yeah why do I feel so alone? Why am I the way that I am? Why do I feel this need to push people away and to shun company? Why do I feel like an outsider no matter who I hang around with? Maybe it’s something of an identity crisis and I’m still searching for who I am, because I certainly don’t understand myself and it is this I feel will solve a lot of things for me. Once I find out who I am, and why I do some of the things I do, I feel that I’ll be better prepared to head into the unknown which is the future.
How did I reach this point?
On Halloween...no lets go a bit further back than that, In October I attended LEAP, which is a workshop program designed for people who have been out of employment for a while and strives to get people back into work by giving...no, reminding people of skills that they already have. It is an intense 3 week session that promotes various aspects such as team building, confidence boosting etc all in the form of various exercises. Even if a person believes that they do not need help with this sort of stuff (Like me at the time) it hopes that you then realise something about yourself that you didn’t know and benefit you in some way.
So yes I did go to this course and I spent 3 weeks there doing the challenges and exercises but do I feel I learned more about myself on this course? Honestly not much. But that’s not to say that it didn’t benefit me at all as that would be a lie, after all, without doing this course I wouldn’t then be interested in finding more about myself and what I was capable of, I would have been content in just wasting away my days doing nothing constructive.
Omegle, a site where random people can chat to each other and have conversations, I would spend days just on this site talking to people for no reason other than wanting to just talk to someone that didn’t really know me, which of course meant I didn’t have to behave in a certain way and that I could be more myself.
So one day I randomly get connected with Anatalia and we’re just chatting away and she turns out to be an fun sort of person so I continue talking to her and I’m having a good time, I get someone to talk to as I can’t talk to my real life friends (not without lack of trying) and she gets…well I don’t know but it was a win-win situation at the time.
Her sleeping patterns combined with the time zone difference meant I got to talk with her nearly every single day but Halloween approached and I believe it’s customary for a party to occur on the night or at least trick or treating
So Halloween approaches and I guess I was foolishly hoping that she’d have nothing better to do even though deep down I knew that she wouldn’t waste this day talking to me so here I am...alone again wondering who I could talk to that I guess was similar.
I had grown bored and weary of all my friends so I guess I was looking for a new “project”, a new friend that I could analyse and study in the hopes that I might find someone who was similar to me, someone who understood what I felt, someone who was just like me.
But what was I? What were the traits that would make a person similar to me? What were the qualities and behaviour that I would deem to resemble myself in a person? As I racked my brains for traits and qualities of how I would describe myself, “Lone Wolf” was one. It often irritated me that I was seen somewhat of a “loner” but I guess I’d use that word in my search.
Lone wolf, Wikipedia, read some information, get linked to another page, read more information then finally,
Loner chat. I didn’t want to type those words in but if it helped me find a person to talked to then fine. Obviously it didn’t and I knew it wouldn’t but I read more information and one particular statement caught my eye, a statement saying how the word “loner” really shouldn’t be used in a negative way but people will always believe the word has negative connotations. Obviously intrigued I carried on reading until a certain Myers Briggs Typing indicators came up so I “googled it” and got some results and an online test to do saying it will help you find out your typing. Ok then, let’s do this thing, just yes or no answers, ok
You have a messy desk workspace etc Yes/No
You prefer to read a book than to go out to parties Yes/No
You get pleasure from solitary walks Yes/No
The process of working out the solution
Is more important than the solution itself Yes/No
So I fill out all questions and click “score it”
I’m an INTP type, ok that means nothing to me (yet), but I read a description of the INTP type person and suddenly everything makes sense.
This wasn’t like some astrology bullshit where people read into it what they will and interpret the meanings just to suit them. This was cold hard facts I was reading here, I’m tempted to say that it covered every single aspect of my personality and answered most if not all of my questions as I didn’t really have to put any effort into trying to fit myself into a particular category. This wasn’t astrology and your horoscopes where people try to fit square pegs in round holes, no no no, this was flawless.
“But Jason what on earth are you talking about?”
Psychology, it’s as simple as that, if I didn’t want to study it before, well I certainly do now. I’m actually glad I did it in the first place. Sitting on that train to Newbury with the options of my A level choices, I remember look at the list of choices and thinking nothing interests me or at least nothing interests me enough for me to pi...psychology, hmm I don’t even remember what I thought but deep down I know that I had to study it as if it was calling to me and that it was something I needed to study for my benefit. In a way, I didn’t choose psychology, psychology chose me. Anyway I picked it and I’m left with 2-3 more choices and I know for a fact that I must have spent a majority of that train journey with nothing but psychology on that piece of paper wondering what else I could choose, wondering what else would call out to me, and thinking that there went enough choices. In fact let me go through my possible choices, the ones that were on my shortlist.
· Maths- ok that strangely was appealing to me, and something I did put down on the paper before crossing it out (probably). Like a fool I was easily influenced and put off of maths, not because I found it hard or anything but because I didn’t want to be tough by Ms Mckellar. I suppose it wasn’t so much that I didn’t like her but the fact that I was worried about what people especially my friends would think. Yes yes I know “Jason.....actually caring what others think?” and “Let me go outside and check that the sky isn’t falling in” but anyway I didn’t pick it because of what others would say and for that I was a fool.
· Performing arts- singing? Check, dancing? Check, acting? Check, drama? Check. So why didn’t I pick it? I dunno, certain events I remember vividly. This isn’t really one of them, but I have stored in my memory banks that myself and Ken went to someone to find out how many were interested in doing performing arts when we found out that it was just going to be us and Indy (wasn’t sure about Kirsty) we bolted. I’m not sure whether it was because we expected more or whatever but....no actually. Ken bolted and me being sad pathetic sheep that was unable to think for himself about important decisions, I decided not to do it as well. Shame really as that is something I wish I could have done and really would have been interested in.
· English Lang or Literature- How I took one look at that and said no. Not because I thought I couldn’t do it as I could anything if I tried (more on that later if I remember). But because all I could remember was how much of a fuck up I am and how much of a fuck up in class I was and even how much of a fuck up I was in the exam. No seriously, what kind of retard finishes well before everyone else then decides to take a nap rather than check through his answers and wakes up 5 minutes before the end of it (the first finish not the extra 25% time) and realises that he’s completely overlooked the last two questions worth 25 marks each, big marks, enough to change a C grade into a B grade, certainly more respectable, but decides not to take up the extra time just because he sees that his friends are leaving and he doesn’t want to be stuck here alone. I’ll tell you who, Jason, Jason Mycroft. The dumb fuck.
So then I’m left with very few options. Science is a no-no, a technology is a no-no. Business studies? Ok that sounds boring but I know most of my friends are picking it so I guess it could be fun...no I don’t want to be seen as a sheep so I’m crossing that out. *Clap.....clap......clap* the one time where you probably should have been a sheep, you go ahead and do the exact opposite. It’s no wonder you can’t stand yourself Jason.
You best hurry with your choices, the trains is close to Theale and its 2 more stops to Newbury better make up your mind there. Ok ok ok, erm, I’ll pick P.E I guess, the lessons are fun because Mr Owen is cool, Mr Gwynn is strict but we’ll only have him once a week (Curse those Thursday mornings). Yea P.E will be a piece of cake. Just have one more subject to pick. This is the part where I remember flirting with two options and I forget what the other was but ultimately I end up choosing history. Great no problem there, Psychology, P.E and History, what could go wrong, besides if I don’t like one I can always change it, just fake your mum’s signature and we’re done you just roll your way through two more years there, how simple, its two more years of friends, two more years of football, two more years where I don’t have to be at home. What could possibly go wrong?
I only received an A Level in P.E and that was an E. =/
6th December 2009 1:35am
What gets me the most is when people don’t understand my need to be alone, or when they try to claim that they are somehow “better” than me because they are more “sociable or whatever”. Yes I remember it actually Philip or Lee said it and to be honest it wounded me a bit but that was a while ago since then I’ve come to terms with my idiosyncrasies and behaviours and have a better understanding of myself and can quite comfortable say to that statement “no, no you actually aren’t and it’s laughable if you think that you are”. You have no understanding of how certain people work. Urgh just urgh.
7th April 2010 11:49pm
Everybody is different and is stimulated by different things so ultimately there will always be things that are enjoyed by a lot and a things that are enjoyed by a few, there is nothing wrong with that at all. What people need to learn is that there will always be things that people enjoy and things people don’t enjoy, people will always seek to maximise their enjoyment and lessen the time spent with things they don’t enjoy and just because this happens it is not to say that you are somehow “better” or “worse” because of the interests enjoyed but rather just different. There is no ranking of anything.
Ahhh, such is the life of me…
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