Just sometimes

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a dick. There are moments where time slows down and you can see the options presented to you and you know every single one of these options is…going to have a major effect.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a dick.

Friends? Or merely people I tolerate?

Ahh a week and a day, well it's still not bad. I just had to get my thoughts right for this month. I had to know what my target was for this month and it's been sorted.

But this entry isn't about that, this entry is about so called friends. I am...or rather I was at a point where I was just feeling so low and it was worrying. It is the reason why I didn't update for a week. Yes yes I am aware that this online journal is to record my deepest and darkest feelings but I just couldn't...for a while, I needed to compose myself.

So while the barbs of this entry may not be as...stinging as I might have been had I done this a week ago but...there is not much I can do about that.

Today will be a brief one

Really have to stop thinking these thoughts…it’s like I can’t just be happy and I have to find something to bring me down. Or maybe I was never actually that happy in the first place. I don’t know anymore. I really have no idea what I’m really doing in life anymore.

Missing and too slow

They say...a leopard never changes its spots. Try as it might, but it can disguise itself for all it wants but eventually it shall reveal itself to be nothing more than a leopard.

The fact is, no matter how hard this leopard protests otherwise, no matter how it carries itself or how it tries to pretend it is something...this leopard really really isn't.

Am I...am I just magnifying the negative aspects and threatening to overlook the positive traits that I have? Possibly, but right now...that's all I can notice. Right now, that's all I can see. Negative. negative and more negatives thrown into the mixture that I call my life.

Okay. As I go to work today I try tell myself that today is going to be a start for me, today is going to be my day. I woke up...I should have known something was up when I didn't feel tired or cold getting out of bed despite the window fittings and how it operates in winter. Yet I proceed along like the carefree, careless individual I am.

Then it happens...it gets lost...it comes crashing down. Despair welcomes me into its arms like a lost child running straight into the waiting arms of their mother.

But I shouldn't let it beat me...I can't let it beat me...I...have too much...and at the same time, nothing to lose. As Tyler would say "I'm a fucking walking paradox".

So off I travel to work...heh...this isn't even the lowest I've been but this is pretty bad regardless...

I...lost...the day I was born I lost. All I can really do is to reduce the deficit but the end of the game...I will lose. Defeatist? No, realist. There's only so much I can control that when you feel that you've lost control of them...that's when you feel that you made the wrong decision with the things that are in your hands.

Sincerely, Jason

Ehh, too much negativity flying around and I really rather not have it at that if I’m honest so I figure I’m drawing a line under the saga as it’s just going to rumble on otherwise. Things were said on both sides but I’m just going to apologise and leave it at that.

In a soundproof room

Well that was unprecedented...never before have I experienced something like that, just panic and pure stress over this.

I was replacing the tubing as I hadn't done so in a while and quite literally the hearing aid fell apart in my hand and eurgh, not only was I disappointed that something that I was so dependant on, something that I take the greatest of care to look after seeing as without sound everything is affected, something so important...whether I liked it or not, could fall apart that flimsily and that really shook me.

So after stressing and panicking about what to do, calling and falling to get someone at the Nuffield Centre which...you'd think that something so vital to deaf people would be available at all times but alas they were not.

So my options were pretty much to go early in the morning and try and do something about it but somehow I doubt that's really going to do anything about it, that time is really on my side. It really could not have come at a worse time and it's a running pattern in my life, the things I'm most excited about, something will come along to ruin it...and I know I shouldn't have that sort of mentality and that I should be stronger but it really is frustrating.

I can't even remember a time even in Mary Hare where I had a day without hearing aids because they broke like that but we had an audiology department so I suppose we had the support but imagine how vulnerable I felt when suddenly access to help was extremely limited and I felt so restricted in what I can do.

This wouldn't had been bad if I wasn't working but the fact that I was got me even more down because I know that I'm at a hearing disadvantage, therefore I know I have to work twice as hard in order to keep up and that's okay, it's not a problem, the easy way out would be to nothing and get a job or put myself in situations where I don't have to interact with other people but that's not me, not in this job no way.

Anyway, so now I'm more relaxed and less stressed now but still a bit annoyed as sound is something I cherish and really do not take it for granted. Ahhh sound, how you are all now distorted and just a bit muffled, how you are now making me work harder than I already do...why must you have all this animosity for me and treat me like this.

Ah well not much I can really do about it, I suppose I'm at the mercy of them really...