Records are made to be broken

A hat trick was scored and it was ruthless, no mercy was given, it was the sort of hat trick that people could do nothing except for applaud. Oh yes, it was that good!

...Just a shame that the hat trick was scored by the other team...and to tell the truth I have no idea whether they actually scored 4 goals or 5 goals or whether someone else actually got their hat trick as well.

Yeah, we lost...badly

I also heard after the match that this was actually our worst ever defeat and boy were we setting records when they scored 15 goals past us with no response whatsoever.

Your presence is like a never ending nightmare to me. Begone.

Time to start, today is the day I start pre-season training, all I need to do is get a head start on my cardio before the actual preseason training. Consider this year to be the year where I show just how good I am.

Doubters can doubt but in all honesty I am looking out for myself. I have no need to prove anything to anyone. I shall do this by myself, I've come to realise...that the betrayal is too much for me, yet I keep getting lured into the same trap, the trap where I trust a person and yet I am betrayed by them. I say...that I don't fully trust people, which is true...I don't. However the amount of trust that I've given certain people in the last few months has been too much.

I see you flaunting about and generally just being in my face and it makes me sick. I should not be bothered by it but I am. I am disgusted that this is how the world operates. I am disgusted by the injustice of it all.

I've repeated this over and over again but that's because it's actually affected me that much and that...bothers me.

I wish to see you unhappy because you quite frankly do not deserve to be happy. I am aware that I am a bit blinded by certain emotions however this sentiment would still be felt regardless, the only change would be I would be less vocal about it.

Am I being arrogant? Am I acting in a manner that I think that I am better than you? Yes...yes I am but that is quite because I am. You do not see things the way I do and......look...I dislike you. Go away and leave me alone. I actually wish I had never met you...that's what I want to say but this is a lesson. A valuable lesson for me. To not trust people like you ever again.

Friends? Or merely people I tolerate?

Ahh a week and a day, well it's still not bad. I just had to get my thoughts right for this month. I had to know what my target was for this month and it's been sorted.

But this entry isn't about that, this entry is about so called friends. I am...or rather I was at a point where I was just feeling so low and it was worrying. It is the reason why I didn't update for a week. Yes yes I am aware that this online journal is to record my deepest and darkest feelings but I just couldn't...for a while, I needed to compose myself.

So while the barbs of this entry may not be as...stinging as I might have been had I done this a week ago but...there is not much I can do about that.

Revenge is a dish best served with…salad?

Revenge...oh revenge. The basis of so many stories over the years. The saying eye for an eye has been seen throughout history and inspired so many tales.

So what about it?

Well the thing is we all have our times when we feel wronged and that just punishment has not been served so we decide that retribution is needed and that we'll take it into our own hands but here's the thing, circles.

Commercial success or critical acclaim?

Music artists aspire to have both commercial success as well as critical acclaim, some may manage this while others don't. The same sort of desire exists in other fields as well, films, books, video games amongst other things.

But what does that mean to me?

Inside the mind of the man

Ahhhhh damn it, this will not do. Making myself down when lets face it, there's probably no reason to worry so much...I probably am thinking way too much into this.

But heh, who was it that said that they'd love to know what was going on in my head and I couldn't help but think that you really wouldn't, it's too...much. Too confusing, not simple at all. I've never particularly enjoyed the portrayal of mindreading in the media as it's portrayed as a simple "oh look I'm talking except my lips are not moving so it's clear I'm thinking this" when...I can only account for myself for this but what about memories? Or images or even...I don't even know how to describe it.

Anyway what is on my mind as of late? Still all about being envious and not particularly feeling great about myself...or maybe I feel that I don't get what I deserve for being me. People say I'm a nice and good person and that I'll get my dues when it comes but I don't think it works like that...maybe I'm just being too impatient and I want it too soon but I'm thinking that there's no such thing as karma and this perception of good and bad is merely subjective.

So yeah...I really ought to stop going on Facebook as while it's good and that, it can't be good that I get annoyed at certain people's status like some of my exes and how they "love" their partners and will forever and it annoys me as while I've mellowed out about it more nowadays I still cannot stand lies and false statements like that.

Maybe it's because I feel that I was just lied to in my face so how can they go and say the exact same lies to another person who will believe them, who will fall in the exact same trap as I fell in...who will let down their guard and bare themselves only to be betrayed and made a fool of. It...disgusts me.

What disgusts me even more is that I'm this bothered by it. Don't get me wrong, I do wish them happiness and all and I don't want bad things to happen to them but I can't help but feel this way nor will I apologise for my feelings as I should not be made to feel bad for something that I have little to no control over. Nobody has complete control over our emotions and feelings but the majority have control over our actions. We can all feel happiness, anger, pride, sadness and many more but it's how we act on these emotions that truly matter because I know that whenever I'm happy I'm especially more generous than usual or whenever a person is angry they might punch another.

Anyway I'm done with this entry for now but ugh, I don’t know, I…just don’t know

Case for the defence

So basically you want to know why I deserve to play for Charlton? I will tell you exactly why I should play for Charlton.

Where to begin...well okay that last match I feel was terrible, no doubt about it but everyone has bad games sometimes.

Anyway for starters I should be playing because I can make things happen. I have the potential to win games. Case in point but when we played I believe it was Mottingham and the game was one all for the whole match and even with 2 minutes left as both teams were settling for a point each I snatched the ball and dribbled past two players and was calm enough to find a teammate who was in a better position than me to score the winning goal and I unselfishly squared him up.

You see, goals and assists means very little to me as it doesn't mean you had a good performance nor does it mean you had a bad one. So while I may not be leading the goals or assist charts, I feel the contribution I bring to the team is irreplaceable. The team we have now are unsure, rash and cannot use their heads more often than not so I feel what I bring is calmness and assurance to the team. I will seldom panic when on or off the ball and always use whatever I can to make the most of a bad situation.

My passing and especially my link up play is a whole lot better than the majority of players in the team. I can dribble comfortably and while I may be criticized for holding onto the ball for too long, there are mainly two reasons for this. The first being that no-one else makes the right movements meaning I have to hold onto the ball a bit longer as I cannot pass it to them because they are in a terrible position that passing it to them is pointless (case in point, last game in the second half I had the ball and yet two people were making exactly the same run directly into the penalty box with no attempt at a diagonal run to draw defenders away if not for me but for themselves thus I had to hold onto the ball a while longer and eventually resulted in a weak strike at the goal but the only shot in the second half).

The second reason why I may hold onto the ball slightly longer is because I don't trust certain people to not lose the ball or waste it even under absolutely no pressure. Yes this sounds arrogant but I don't believe I am because the facts speak for themselves.

What else? Oh yes finishing, it may not be evident due to not scoring many goals but if given the chance I have the calmness and can finish off chances that I get. Case in point, when we won 7-0 or something like that recently before the new year and I had a hamstring injury in the match and yet I still managed to control a cross, dribble pass 2 players and have the composure to slot the ball in the back of the net for my first goal and control another cross and rifle the ball in the back of the net. It also speaks volumes that even with an injury restricting me heavily I was still able to put in a better performance than many others.

I could go on and on really especially as I haven't even begun to mention my intelligence, vision, my wiliness to pass it backwards or sideways which some people just cannot do, my ability to create space for myself.

Sure you can mention the weak parts of my game but they are only weak because I do not have the proper support or anything like that. The common one I hear is getting back to defend and I grow tired of hearing that. I will work on that no doubt but two things to remember about that and the first is that, if we knew how to hold on the ball a lot better I and whoever else is playing in the middle or on the wing wouldn't be caught out of position so often because someone cannot play a simple pass or hold onto the ball better. The other thing is, I try and drop back if someone else is pushing up forward but undoubtedly I believe that most of the times because of my traits and skills the person who should be attacking most of the times should be me anyway especially as I'm an attacking midfielder and not a box to box one. My style of play is like a number ten and while I don't wish to seem arrogant again but asking me to drop back and play like a defensive midfielder is like asking someone like Jack Wilshere, Andreas Iniesta, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney to a lesser extent to play defensive midfielder. They can do that and they can do a decent job of it as well but it's a waste of their skills when they could be contributing so much more to the team.

Yes this was long but you asked me to justify why I should be playing for the team. You don't have to agree with it or not but everything I've said is the truth. I have no purpose to lie and deceive about this matter. If we were professionals and if we were on Match of the Day, I've no doubt the exact same things would be said.

A line crossed

My…goodness, I’m done with you, defended you for long enough and now you’re going to refuse to play when you are asked to?

Carlos, Carlos, Carlito…I defended you when others would criticise, heck not just me but others would too citing your work ethic and talent as reasons to overlook these mishaps but what do you do? Simply spit back in the faces of those who’d support you, eurgh…

The public has a very negative view of footballers especially with the wages that they get and I have defended that to an extent and then this happens, you refuse to play and then claim there was a misunderstanding…a misund- what. the. fuck. No, no no no nonononnoooo you don’t get away with that, you’ve been here in this country for how long and you’re still at the point where someone telling you that you’re going to come on the pitch can be misconstrued for you to sit and sulk like a bitch on the bench. MY…GOODNESS…

I just…eurgh…no. I’m done with you. Zabaleta blanked you when you tried to talk with him and I laughed, oh how I laughed…

Now I’m not even making much sense anymore so I think I’m going to stop there and say there is nothing you could probably do to make me look at you in a favourable way again. Right now I’m not mad at you as I’m sure you had your reasons and it made sense to you but for me I just can’t and will not deal with you anymore. Goodbye.