I’m a bastard. A complete and utter bastard. Why am I so obsessed with pushing away the only good things in my life? It’s almost as if I want to hit rock bottom, as if reaching it will cleanse me and motivate me because the only way to go from there is up. I also have this obsession with underachieving, I’m intent on proving everybody wrong about me, just a shame that what they think of me is that I can hit the dizzying heights and have massive potential (I’m starting to hate this word) to be a success.
Dilemmas, dilemmas and more dilemmas. He wants to change, he really does but to change would be to admit that there was something wrong with him and that he shouldn’t be himself so he stays the same way but it isn’t working, he’s still heading down down down. Towards rock bottom, all because he doesn’t want to change, he knows that there is nothing wrong with him. He knows that wanting everything for as little as possible is right in his mind, he knows that people are stupid creatures with emotions that cause them to make the most illogical and irrational decisions. Not only this but he contradicts himself at every opportunity and yet it feels right, to be interested in people and not interested at the same time, to crave privacy and yet yearn for recognition for his actions.
I refuse to believe I have any flaws as without the bad the good wouldn’t be as good, without the sour, the sweet wouldn’t be as sweet and so on. Our “flaws” is what makes people who they are, without them they are not the same person and I genuinely believe that.
i have no idea what point I’m trying to make but I just thought I’d attempt to get it out because this hatred has become a sort of sickness, it’s making me ill, so very ill. It's not even hate but indifference as well, as sort of ‘I don’t care’ attitude mixed with ‘but you are incredibly stupid’.
22nd January 2010- Again the temptation to just do it arose again, what triggered it? Simply not being able to get a simple password, but failure to get this simple set of letters would have resulted in disaster for the rest of my life and a waste of the past few months. I don’t know exactly what happened but what I said to Foxx is something I should never have to do, the anger and intensity wasn’t even her fault as all she was trying to do was be a good friend and yet, I’m obsessed with pushing good things away from me. Emily was lucky that she left as I might have taken it out on her and the last thing I wanted to do is to do that to anybody but sometimes I just needed to be left alone and some time to think.
Why do I care so much about the friendships from Foxx, Emily and everyone else I know? I don’t know, I just want them to hate me because it would make all of it so much easier but they don’t and it throws me off, even after I do unpleasant things it just…hahahahahaHAHAHA, oh it’s funny, without emotions things would be a lot simpler. I think emotions are humanity’s greatest strength and flaw at the same time. I’m sorry, I never meant to make you cry and all, you aren’t a waste of time, it’s just my moral is at an all time low, well, at least I thought so but apparently it’s still dropping.
So I’m going to cry myself to sleep because of what happened, I’ll probably look back on this with utter shame but……oh god I’m just going to stop, there doesn’t seem to be anything to say that really explains it.
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