Former glory

It’s funny but after me and Eamon were joking the other day about the team, turns out that the team is more or less finalised anyway.

But of course, I’m involved. Do I think I’d be an asset to the team or any team in my condition and the fact that I’m currently staring at a brick wall trying out different bricks to see if there is a secret entry to the other side as opposed to climbing over the wall or bulldozing straight through it?

The answer to that overly long question is no, no, I’ve really had better days, much much better days and yet I say nothing. I really should be saying that I’m not really in the best of conditions, even if I stick to my lousy fitness regime for a month there are much better options than me.

For someone who’s game revolves around quickness and thinking on the spot, I have lost a lot of pace and agility that it’s going to take some time to get it back…maybe I’ll just go in goal then and then my fitness won’t be much of an issue for the rest of the team. I will get disappointed if I’m standing there and I see them not taking responsibility and not shooting on sight preferring to pass it instead. I will rage. Rage hard.

But that’s irrelevant as I will be playing outfield mostly anyway…I say mostly but I figure I’ll end up playing all the time. Thing is, I have to remember that the slick Arsenal passing is the way we can play and we’ll have to utilise that fully, heck if we can just enjoy ourselves then I’m content with that.

Lavish nice gifts

Interestant! I just felt like opening with that non-word but as I type this out at 0328 hours I have to really stop procrastinating and to do things now and when the moment hits me and not to finish until I’m done.

What’s up? Well I got thinking earlier (as is the way of all these posts) about myself and how I treat others specifically in relationships. It started when I was looking at some of the pictures I had of me from the Paparazzi photo-shoot and thinking “Boy, this was not worth the money at…all”. To tell you the truth it wasn’t really for me anyway and I only booked it as I figured it’d be a nice thing for her but I was sorely mistaken.

Which led me to think of all the times I sort of just threw money around and spent it on things simply because it was asked for. Things that I knew were just a passing fancy and yet I still indulged them in it.
Now then, what lessons have I learned from all this? To be honest with you, not much. Which leads me onto Foxx.

It’s really great talking and heavily flirting with her but I just think to myself have I really learned anything about life? I was saying about things I’d buy and I actually was serious about the fact that if I could I would but I had to ask myself, do I not remember what happened before? Do I not remember the feeling of emptiness when all was said and done? Do I not learn from that mistake? So why are you doing it again?
Okay, I’ll never be able to really buy Foxx anything but that fact you feel this way means come on man, what happens with the next one? Will you be doing the same thing and then when that’s over have the same feeling of emptiness?

You really ought to know by now but you never seem to learn, you say over and over how you’ll never make a mistake again but…you really don’t. I hope for my sake and yours, something happens to kick you into gear.

*sigh* Ohh and while you’re at it Jason, stop running.

The calm before the storm…or have I said that already?

So now we’re in June. Well what is on my mind. I don’t know, I never actually know nowadays and as much as I’d like to say that it’s all good, the truth is that it could be better but hey…at least things aren’t that bad.

I never know where this optimism stems from but it’s a good thing that I have it as I imagine things would be pretty dark if it weren’t there.

Though it pretty much is all a facade and if you were to ask if “something is wrong” and “am I alright”, I’d respond with a simple yeah I am fine but in the back of my mind, I know…I know something is wrong but I just cannot put my finger on it…or maybe I can and somehow my brain is blocking me from seeing the actual truth.

I need a doctor

So after fantasising about The Doctor for a long while I decided to do something about it and got myself a box set of Seasons 1-4 of Doctor Who so I can watch at my leisure. What I really want though is that t-shirt as I just think it's really neat and cool but alas I'm not sure if I can get it anyway...still, I have to hope that someone makes it into a wallpaper so I can put it on my desktop

So long and thanks for the cake

So my super long text and plea falls on deaf ears I guess. Never mind I suppose, I get the hint and I'll get over it. To be honest, sending that text really made me feel a heck of a lot better because well, I tried but oh well, que sera sera.

Or so I thought.

How to put into words how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know, one minute I’m angry, the next I’m happy, the next I’m crazy.

I’ve screwed things up haven’t I…what, what were you thinking deleting her off Facebook, deleting her number off your phone?

I was trying to break off all contact with her and painful memories

Yes but you didn’t need to go so overboard and do all this did you?

No, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t just stop talking to her, I couldn’t leave her alone. It still didn’t help, I still have messages in my phone from her, all I’ll need to do is to hit ‘reply’ and I can…

Seriously? Come on man, snap out of it, this really isn’t you

Funny thing is, it actually sort of is. You know what, I almost slipped and snapped

Yeah I was thinking that, like what does it take for you to just lash out? I can see why you’re hurt though, you allowed yourself to love someone…sorry, biggest mistake ever. This is what you were fearful of. You knew. Things come to an end eventually but you’re just scared of dealing with that pain and anguish aren’t you?

Does that make me a coward?

No but all I can say to you is that you are not unique when it comes to this feeling, everyone has been there. Pull yourself together man, if it helps you to move on, allow the bad and negative thoughts to help you get over her.

You know what I’m like with dark thoughts

Yes but what else can we do? Lets face it, you aren’t exactly knocking down on her door begging and that.

No, we live too far apart

Exactly, remind me why you’re upset again? You barely see her at all. Seriously, you dodged a bullet here. I am you after all, I know what you’re like when you put your mind to it. Really, you could find anybody. Your charm is enough, you’re caring, you think things out logically (at times) and most important of all, you are devoted and loyal, you would stay with someone to the ends of the earth

Yeah, wasn’t good enough for her though was it.

Also come on man, you went out for a year and a bit and there’s nothing to fight for? Do you really want to be with someone like that? She bloody well insulted you with those pleas to be “friends”. I know you’re pissed off about it all but it’ll serve you better in the long run. She hates your guts even though she won’t admit it, you are awkward every. Single. Time. Why do you think she’ll want to be with you?

Give it time I guess, she’ll realise what she’s missing, until then I have to leave her alone. I think I’ll need a schedule and a plan. Yes, that’s what I need. Let me check my calendar…*Checks*…Call it August 19th.

Okay then August 19th it is, you’ll sort yourself out and move on and then you if by then you still feel something you can go into Plan B

Plan B? What’s that?

You’ll know at the time. Anyway, it’s time for some sleep now isn’t it? Trust me on this, tomorrow is going to be that perfect day for you and it wouldn’t have been possible if you were still with her. Trust me on this, get over her, you don’t want to be that ex do you?

Hahaha no, what happens if I feel down?

Write about it, put it up and then realise how stupid it was. Now sleep. Nobody deserves your love right now but nobody deserves your hate…ever

Yeah, okay I’m calling it now 0145 19th May, that was when I simply did not care about Emily Louise Lardner and quite frankly she does not exist in my world any more.

Goodnight

Goodnight

Pose for the camera, pose, click, pose, click

Right I see, so even when I go out of my way to be early for something, fate or whatever it is goes out of their way to make sure I'm late...

No seriously, I left all in good time to get to this...thing, session or whatever it is especially as there's a non refundable deposit but blehh and yet I wait more than 15 minutes for a bus that really comes quite regularly.

You may question why I waited for that long but in past experience I've never really had to wait more than 7 minutes for that bus but today it was a no-show. So I upped and went and walked to the station to take the tube instead, at least I know I'll never have to wait more than 4 minutes for a train and ohhh look at that a train is already here and it's 1404 now, it's optimistic to think that I'll make it before 1415 but oh well, I think I'll give them a call to explain that I'm late..........once I get out from the underground (can't make calls underground).

*One train journey later*

Okay I'm out and I didn't call them as it was just a short walk there. After arriving there, they saw to me pretty quick and then I was groomed for the photo session...really? I don't know what exactly it is I was expecting but I was slightly expecting some massive and glamorous studios and something wondrous for a place where celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Dizzee Rascal and some others have been to, though I must remember to ask about that when I'm done here.

But even so, this is just right though, the place seemed to match my realistic expectations perfectly. Anyway I'm just sitting here waiting for my turn for the photo session and I've pretty much left it up to the photographer's choice as to what styles to do so I've no idea what to expect...exciting!

*One photo-shoot session later*

Okaaay, that was cool and quite fun, I suppose I should have brought my suit but ah well couldn't find it anywhere so I missed out on that. It pretty much was pose, click, pose, click, pose, click, change outfit and do it all again but hey, twas fun.

Now I'm pretty much waiting to view the photos before I'm done here and an hour is not a good length of time to be waiting...

*One photo viewing session later*

Well that was pretty good and I liked a lot of the photos so I ended up with a fair number of them, the price wasn't too bad either and all in all it was a pretty good day even with the bomb scare and all which me being the person that I am, only just found out when the lady who I was viewing it with mentioned it to me but me, I'm not afraid and will travel on the train home.

Would I go again? Possibly but the big question for me is, who referred me there in the first place? Ah well, I guess I'll never know

You complete me

Ah, books. Need to get back into them soonish, I think I’ll start by taking a book with me to places but what should I read first? Well I have a whole box of unread books that I certainly wouldn’t mind getting started on as they’ve been there for more than a year…huh really, when I think about it like that I think “dang, has it really been a year”. Oh well, I guess I better make a start to it.

Also tomorrow I should probably check out some gyms as I’d like to work on my fitness and get back in shape especially if I’m going to be the best ever. But also tomorrow is a session at Paparazzi Studios which I was supposed to be going with someone but now I’ll be going on my own and I’m curious about what exactly will happen but I am actually looking forward to it. It’s free but I’m sure it’s there to try and hook people into joining up or reusing their services again but I don’t plan on doing that unless it’s really something special and worth it.

Also on my mind is Doctor Who, yeah really am tempted to go and buy a boxset of it now so I watch it again as I’m so in love with the show. It’d also give me the chance to watch it in a straight run as opposed to having to watch it every week and forgetting certain details from the previous episode so that will be something different.

I’ll finish this post by saying who knew Michael Bolton could be so cool, certainly not me