Here we are

How do I feel right now? I’m not even sure but I know I’m in a reflective mood about life. Now lets see, I am…22 and hmm how do I feel about life? Weary and tired but that’s when I then think “Okay, what can be done about it?” “What am I going to do to change that?”

The truth is that I just don’t know anymore. I had so many plans and dreams but I guess I was stopped along the way by myself.

But what of your life now? Well for starters I think the question is do I feel appreciated?

I…don’t think I do feel it, I don’t feel like I’m appreciated enough. I don’t feel that the things I do are really recognised and that certain people only want to look at the bad side of me.

Nah don’t worry I’m not really annoyed with it, just observing and understanding that people will always be people. People will always want to put emphasis on my flaws…in fact not just me but everybody else’s too.

I’m not going to lie I have a million “flaws” and all but I’m content in that because of three things and that is that nobody is perfect, everybody has a different idea of flaws and that I’m happy with the way I am really, content even.

What brought all this on? Well pretty much, people have been getting on my nerves and like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really feel appreciated.

It’s also annoying when a simple “hello” would be nice or even a reply or anything but nothing…I guess you still have a certain idea of me which is a shame really but this is just another reason why I dislike humans.

2011 awards

2011 in music was quite a good year, as well as discovering newer artists there were quite a few old artists coming out with new amazing songs.

Anyway this is my top 40 favourite songs of 2011. This was quite hard to do as you have to remember favourite doesn’t necessarily mean best and that to be honest some of the positions are interchangeable.

I also had to exclude songs that I may have first for the first time this year but they were release ages ago otherwise I would have to put songs from Lykke Li in this list but ah well.

40-31

40- Welcome To My Hood- DJ Khaled ft Rick Ross, Plies, Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain

39- Martians vs Goblins-Game ft Lil’ Wayne and Tyler The Creator

38- Lord Knows- Drake ft Rick Ross

37- Marvin’s Room/Buried Alive- Drake ft Kendrick Lamar

36- The Ballad Of Mona Lisa- Panic! At The Disco

35- HiiiPower- Kendrick Lamar

34- Gotta Have It- Jay-Z and Kanye West

33- Champagne Showers- LMFAO ft Natalia Kills

32- Tip The Scale- The Roots ft Dice Raw

31- Ronald Reagan Era- Kendrick Lamar ft RZA

30-21

30- Fuck Your Ethnicity- Kendrick Lamar

29- Burn- Killer Mike

28- House Of Balloons/Glass Table Girls- The Weeknd

27- The Reunion- Bad Meets Evil

26- Sabotage- Wale ft Lloyd

25- Headlines- Drake

24- The Birds Part 1- The Weeknd

23- Blow My High (Members Only)- Kendrick Lamar ft Pimp C

22- Yonkers- Tyler The Creator

21- Marvin Gaye & Chardonnay- Big Sean ft Kanye West and Roscoe Dash

20-11

20- Give Me Everything (Tonight)- Pitbull ft Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer

19- Novacane- Frank Ocean

18- I Miss You- Beyonce

17- A Kiss- Bad Meets Evil

16- Animal- Yelawolf ft Fefe Dobson

15- Electric Chapel- Lady Gaga

14- Set Fire To The Rain- Adele

13- The OtherSide- The Roots ft Bilal and Greg Porn

12- Joaquin Phoenix- Lupe Fiasco ft Lil’ Ronnie

11- Lost Ones- J Cole

10-1

10- Ric Flair- Killer Mike

9- That Way- Wale ft Rick Ross and Jeremih

8- 6 Foot, 7 Foot- Lil’ Wayne ft Cory Gunz

7- Form Of Flattery- The-Dream

6- High For This- The Weeknd

5- Interlude- Lil’ Wayne ft Tech N9ne and Andre 3000

4- Sleep- The Roots ft Aaron Livingston

3- No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft Frank Ocean and The-Dream

2- Words I Never Said- Lupe Fiasco ft Skylar Grey

1- Niggas In Paris- Jay-Z and Kanye West

Lost…literally

Lost. So my sister brought the entire boxset and I've pretty much been watching it the last few days and I'm currently finished Season 3 and sorry but...WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON!? And I don't mean that in a good confused way either.

Okay maybe I'll need to watch the rest of it to gain a better understanding of it but for now I stand by my belief that Season 3 is just awful and eurgh...it's gone from being about people who crash on an island trying to survive and that. Sure throw in a polar bear or two to generate more mystery. Oh and mysterious cursed numbers that pop up everywhere? Let's have that too. People known as The Others? Ooh I'm curious? A massive missing statue with only a foot remaining and that foot has only four toes? What? Pregnant women who die if they conceive on the island? Walt mysteriously appear to people in illusions? Okay. I've had enough of this shit. You are not answering any of the questions really and the show is still persisting with this...this...urgh...man, the first few seasons were all I ever needed to watch in regards to Lost.

Protect me from the cold

The weather is ridiculously cold and which makes mornings such a chore...okay, even more of a chore then. I'll be glad when this season is over because then I can warm up and look forward to not worrying about whether if I step out of the house wondering if I'm going to get frostbite or hypothermia.

I suppose I don't make things easier for myself what with the choice of jackets and coats I wear because mentally I'm insistent that it's not cold enough to justify wearing it and that I'll warm up on the tubes and buses and that I'll spend more of my time indoors and just being hot in the winter jacket I have but I suppose sooner or later I'm going to have to just put it on and I may as well start that now.

Distance

It's difficult really, I really have no clue anymore about certain stuff. It's annoying because I miss you and miss chatting to you and can't help the feeling that you resent me or something even though I know it isn't true (hopefully).

I don't know what it is you think of me but I just feel really bad how I've been with you and stuff and what makes me feel even worse is that I'm bad with things like that. Without prodding from the other person I will neglect them, not because I don't care or anything like that but because I'm too in love with myself. I'm too into myself and not just that I keep myself to myself a lot.

I have plenty of friends that I haven't spoke to in a long time but it's really because I haven't seen them in a while. I could text or email them or whatever but that doesn't have the same feel as actually being there in person and I think that's what's happened here, that I'm...I dunno incapable of really making that effort of really keeping up but just know it's not intentional or anything like that and that I'm really just, I don't know...sorry I guess.

A slippery slope

Get me down, it's like things are conspiring to do just that or is just my imagination? Who knows, but anyway...must remain positive and all that.

So I was thinking at work at how did I end up here doing this...in a job where I deal with people when lets face it, humans aren't very high up on my "things I like" list but alas here I am dealing with them.

I guess when you deal with customers or about nearly anything in life the negative experiences tend to stick out more than the positive ones but there's something that bugs me right now and that is that in relation to what I mentioned earlier and that is that I can feel myself slipping...

I tell you what though, I reeeeeeally am not looking forward to life when I get older...assuming I live that long.

My book of rhymes

Okay here we go. So I'm listening to some Blueprint 3 outtakes and then I thought about the time I was just writing songs and then I went over to check some of them and then I was reminded of why I never really finish it, simply because I will look at a line or something while I'm in a different mindset that I originally thought was pretty good and then I think "What. The. Fuck. Was. That". I never know how to feel about some lines, whether to think "ohh that was pretty good to me" or "hmm, I don't like that line now". I can't completely reject them as that was my mindset at the time but ahh well. Maybe I should get back into it and actually really put thought into it but I know that's never really going to happen heh.